Domestic Violence: My Story

THE LONG ROAD I TRAVELED TO FREEDOM

At seventeen, I married a man eight years older, who seemed to care for me. A month after we married I became pregnant. Three months later the verbal abuse began. I had no knowledge what was considered verbal abuse. However, he continually told me how poorly I kept up the apartment and that I was an embarrassment to him. As time went by he began using vulgar language with gestures towards me. He expected me to be home awaiting his arrival from work. His dinner had to be ready within ten minutes after he got home. Therefore, I had to limit my time away from home, with relatives, to avoid being late at the door. Otherwise he would yell, calling me all types of things which made me hate myself. One evening, in my seventh month of pregnancy, I wasn't able to get the tub/shower unit clean enough. He flipped out and hit me for the first time. I believed him when he apologized telling me "it won't happen again baby". Then he took me out to dinner. However, it did continue to happen. He was very good about never hitting me where it would show. He mainly hit me in the stomach or on the legs or shoulders. He avoided hitting my face or lower arms/wrists. His excuse was always "look what you made me do". I did believe him, that it was my fault that he hit me. So I tried even harder to do everything he wanted exactly how he wanted it. Just to avoid getting hit. But, I still seemed to fail somehow. I began to believe myself to be a "failure and no good". Some of the very same words he would use when speaking at me.

The baby was born and for awhile things went well. The only times he would get upset then where at the grocery store. It seemed that I was wrong, if the cashier was male asked "how are you?", if I responded. Another instance would be if I looked up at a man in the supermarket or any public place. Then when we got home I would get a beating. So I walked around the store and other public places with my head down. I walked one pace behind my husband to the right of his elbow. That was my place. I did my best to avoid any public interaction. As long as I did so things went along smoothly. That was until he got dishonorably discharged from the service. Somehow that was my fault. Whack! He back-handed me so hard across the face his ring left a bruise on my cheek. This was the first time he left a visible mark. For three days I didn't go anywhere near my family. However, my Mother grew worried. So she came over on the fourth day. She saw the bruise and asked if Roy hit me. I told he "no, I hit myself in the face with the mop handle". The first of many cover-up lies.

Later, learned that is what Domestic Abuse Victims do when confronted about bruises. Why? Because we are afraid that someone will say we told. Then we will get in more trouble. More trouble you ask? How? Well, if authorities come, they question or take away the abuser. That only makes the abuser more angry at the victim. Then after the abuser is released the victim is in more danger than before. Because the abuser will come after the victim with a vengeance. The result is more severe abuse and sometimes broken bones or even death. Some abusers even go after the children of the victim to punish the victim for the fact that they, the abuser, had to go to jail/got reprimanded. It's a scary way to live. People often ask why don't/didn't you just leave? Easy to ask...read on.

At first, I was young and naive. I had a child with him. So I hoped, with love, he'd change. After all, he did promise. When he hit my face, I told him my Mom asked about the bruise on my cheek. He felt bad, or acted like it, he bought me flowers. He then took me to dinner. Over dinner, he said, "there's was a job waiting in Maryland for me". We would be moving from California to Maryland. They could only hold the job for three weeks. Our daughter was now sixteen months old. "We are going to need a place to stay, money to move and a car that would make the trip" I said in reply. Well, that didn't bode too well. We got home and he screamed "I've made all those arrangements. You better get everything together. We leave in ten days. So no time for visiting with your family!" I went to pick up the phone to call my Mom and tell her. He yanked it out of the wall. The next day he had them cut the phone service off. Mom ended up coming by a day later to see why the phone was off. I was busy packing and Roy was rude to her. She stayed anyways and helped me pack. We moved to Maryland. I was cut off from my family. Later, I found out this is another tactic abusers use before escalating the abuse. I found out I was pregnant again, two months along, so we had another baby together. A son this time. His family didn't want me around. They verbally abused me too. So I could see where he got it from. Most abusers are raised in abusive households. However, the cycle can be broken. Abuse doesn't have to continue into the next generation. He lost that job about a month before our son was born. So he decided we would return to California. Great for me.

After returning, my Mother was in my life again. We lived with my Mom for awhile. One night on our Anniversary, Mom was gone, and Roy was late. My little brother, age thirteen, was home with me watching television. Roy came in the house drunk. I told him "get out of my Mother's house, drunks aren't allowed in it!" He raised his hand to hit me. My brother, Roger, was standing behind me. I said "Go ahead! This time I have a witness! And I will press charges!" Roy pulled his arm down and said "I wasn't going to do nothing". "Liar" I replied as I gave him a little shove towards the door. He glared at me, then at my brother, and left. He ended up spending the night at some friends of ours. They called me later to let me know he was there. I didn't care. When my Mother came home Roger told her what happened. She said "He is not allowed in this house ever again. If you want to reconcile with him you'll have to rent somewhere to do so". My Mom was a woman of her word. He stayed at our friends for three weeks. They called for him to talk to me. Finally, I gave in and rented the duplex next door. We reconciled since it was close to Christmas. But, I only rented the duplex in my name only. I did not put my husband's name on the lease. That was the advice my Mother had given to me. In the end I am glad I listened to her. Because two days after Christmas the police showed up and arrested my husband for sexual abuse on a minor. This happened during the time we were separated. He was released on OR (own recognizance) because of his family ties (the kids and I). He tried telling me it was all lies. He said he'd take a polygraph but the state said we'd have to pay for it. I eventually, got the state to consent to paying for one. It was then he refused to take it. His court date was coming up soon. I asked him to leave my house since he hit me again. Also, our friends told me they saw him hit our daughter. That was the last straw! My Mother went to a lawyer had a paper drawn up in which I got complete custody of the children. He signed the papers but only after he had got her to drive him to the bus station. He boarded a bus and rode out of our lives. He never got his day in court.

Domestic Violence doesn't just include spouses, it also involves innocent children. These children can be verbally, physically, emotionally or sexually abused. I later learned through therapy that my daughter was also emotionally abused by her Father. She would want a glass of milk, while I was at work, he would refuse her, by teasing her with the milk jug. Then put it back into the refrigerator. So she would then stand screaming for it and then he would slap her on the side of the face. This is what the neighbor witnessed and why I asked him to leave. When I asked him to leave he didn't go quietly. I had to call a very big friend to come escort him out. I also unplugged the phone so he couldn't call and harass me. That friend sat on my front porch all night long protecting the kids and I. That friend was a friend of both Roy's and mine. However, he did not believe in abuse of any type.

That was my first marriage. I also married a second abusive husband. He was even worse. It seems abused women tend to migrate towards the same type of men, unless they can break that cycle. I believe this is because we are already broken and tend to believe we don't deserve a "good man" or to be "treated with respect". That is why I ended up in a second abusive marriage. In my second marriage I was verbally, sexually, physically, psychologically/mentally abused. I did fight back with my fists and got beat worse. I took beatings in place of my teenagers. I felt I deserved them since I married the man. They shouldn't have to pay for my mistakes. In this marriage I tried leaving earlier but he told me "I know where your family live and I know how to build bombs. If you leave someone in your family will die and you will be to blame". So I stayed. You ask why did I believe that bull? Let me tell you something that happened. One night I told him, while we were arguing, "I'm through. Tomorrow the kids and I are gone!" He grabbed his loaded 45 caliber and shot through our bedroom ceiling. The bullet penetrated the ceiling. All I could think of was my sleeping children in their rooms above us. "My God!" I flew out of our bedroom and up the stairs. I saw my daughter was still up, with her headphones on, writing some love note when she should be in bed. I scanned the floor. She looked up with that I got caught look. It was a mill-a-second later I saw a teeny bit of light from under her bed. I pulled up her mattress and there was the bullet lodged in it. Had she of been in bed, she would have weighed the mattress down, and it would have killed her. Yes, I learned he would kill my loved ones on that night. I stayed for as long as I had to. How long was that? It was until my children were grown and moved out of the house. That's how long. It was until he nearly choked me to death, after I had a stroke, and my Mother pried his hands off my throat. While they struggled, I clawed my way to the phone, and called the police, Meanwhile, he broke her finger and hit her in the chin. While he did three days in jail, my brothers moved us. I went into hiding for two years, before I was brave enough to file divorce, letting him know my whereabouts.

Today, I am alive. My Mother had been my saving grace and strength. My advice don't allow your abuser to take you from the strongest and closest person in your life. Because, it may be that very person that helps you break away. There are many support groups and agencies now available out there. There are even crisis lines. Reach out to someone. I know it's hard. Also, don't judge easily those in the situation. It's not always an easy road to get out. There are fears to overcome. Sometimes even people they love have been threatened and those threats can be very real. Let the victim know you are there. Don't push or call the authorities unless the victim is ready. Sometimes when you do so you may put the victim in even graver danger. As a victim I know. Also, as I past victim I also know that you are not "less of a person" like you have been told. "You are a good person. It is NOT your fault that this is happening. The reason this person is loosing control is NOT your fault! Do NOT believe it for a moment longer. Believe this: You can overcome anything. There is a Good person out there waiting to LOVE you. You deserve to be loved in a gentle way. You are a good person. There is nothing wrong with you. You are smart. You can survive on your own.

How do I know? I did live on my own for the first time when I went into hiding. The first month was awkward and Mom spent the night on the couch for a week. I got a dog. I felt better. I got some counseling. You can break the cycle of choosing an abusive partner. I did. I feel better. I am a good person. I dated a few months after my divorce was final. Nice men were asking me out. Most of all, I found a fantastic guy. We dated from Dec. 2003 to Aug. 2007. August 1,2007 we finally married. He isn't abusive. He loves and treats me well. He's a gentleman and my soul mate. It's been a long road I've traveled to my freedom. I know it can be done.

It's not easy. But you can overcome the abuse. You can overcome the depression. You can again believe in yourself. You can again believe in your dreams. You can again have friends who you can trust. You can have someone who will be good to you. You can live without fear. It is possible, I know. I am proof, for I am here now. Be the person you were meant to be. Don't stay a punching bag. Take your first step upon your road to freedom today.

This is a National Domestic Violence Site that also has information where you can locate places in your own state for help. Use it to help you get to where you need to be, live the life you were meant to. You are a good person and deserve to live a good life. Don't believe someone who needs to control you in order to feel better about themself. You can and will be able to make it on your own. I know, I did it! Please at least check out the below sit. Remember, one thing though, clear your cache afterwards -- so your abuser doesn't know where you have been.

For help click below:
National Domestic Violence Hotline = 1-800-799-SAFE (7233)
National Sexual Assault Hotline = 1-800-656-4673
www.ncadv.org (National Domestic Violence Site)
www.rdvcc (this site explains about clearing your cache also)
www.4women