Dating With A Disability

BE UPFRONT ABOUT YOUR ABILITIES AND DISABILITY

My disability is an invisible one. Therefore on the first date I never actually mentioned it until closer to the end of the date when I felt more comfortable and wanted to see where if we were going to go on a second date. I felt that after the man had spent a few hours with me and got to know me he would be able to judge me better than just prejudge me with misconceptions. I explained what my abilities were and how sometimes I had limitations which created my disability.

This worked most effectively for me, especially with the man that I ended up marrying. He too has a disability and was able to feel comfortable enough to discuss his openly also. All because I opened the door to conversation. He has MS however it, at the time, was not very apparent, a slight limp or a slur of words. Which could to me be a strained muscle or an alcoholic drink.

We began a great dating relationship. It grew solid due the honesty I showed him by sharing with him the fact that I was disabled and vice versa. This created a very strong foundation on which our relationship continued to grow with good values like trust, honesty and integrity. We forged a strong bond in the fact that we knew we could rely on one another in our relationship due to this strong foundation. We helped one another with each other's disability whenever needed, and still do even today.

For three wonderful years, we dated, managing to build a wonderful relationship around each others disability or special needs. There were times that one of us had a flare up, such as a dizzy spell, and we would need to alter our plans. However, the other was always very understanding. At those times we would do something else together, sometimes as simple as watching t.v., ordering delivery and sitting around talking. The times that we were both doing well we would spend golfing, playing pool, taking pictures, visiting grandchildren, going to movies, going out to dinner and traveling. Just like normal everyday couples spend time together.

Most importantly we knew what ups and downs life came with and we enjoyed each day as it dawned. Whatever came with it, we rolled along. We realized laughter, friendship and love were three of the most important values one needed to carry with them in each new day. Especially for those of us who are faced with disabilities, we can't let things keep us down. We need to pick each other up and keep going on with life. We became best friends in the intern, over three years later we married.

Is Chivalry Dead?

Dating today is a mixture of Women's Lib and Chivalry:

When you do date a man you need to let him know whether or not it is okay to open your door or not. Men nowadays or at a loss as to whether or not to do so since many women in society are for women's lib. Some women prefer to go dutch treat on the first few dates then allow a man to pay for the meal. If this is the situation you will need to keep your date informed of this and also inform him when it is okay to pay for the full meal, in advance of the date of course so he is prepared financially. Therefore, it is not fully the man's fault that women are questioning whether or not chivalry is dead. The question is fully a valid one. But still my answer remains no.

When I began dating, my now current husband, a little over three years ago he was definitely your class A man on chivalry. You didn't have to ask him to open your door. Actually, he got a bit rattled when I opened the car door myself without waiting on him to do so for me. He told me "let me do that please from now on" as politely as possible. He is definitely a man who was raised to be a gentleman and the provider of the household. He could not believe that when I was married previously that I had been the biggest bread winner and that I paid the largest majority of the household expenses while my husband squandered his check on his hobbies and pleasures.

Actually chivalry is alive today if it is taught to our sons as the grow up and are molded into young men. Also, our young women need to learn though to accept it and allow those young men to be themselves and be chivalrous and not be shunned or made fun of for doing so. It needs to be accepted as a good trait and just because women have found the freedom to express and be themselves, we also need to accept and allow the man to still be himself. Concessions can be made. In my instance I finally convince my boyfriend that it was okay if I bought a meal out once in a while. I even convinced him after moving in with him that it was okay for me to pay a few of the household expenses such as cable, light or Internet now and then. I never paid all of them each month because it would make him feel odd and obliged. I understood and respected the way he was brought up. So I never forced things much. Now we are married and I help out even more. If I bring up let's grab a bite then I pull out the money for it he doesn't complain. If I grab a few of the bills to pay on payday and pay them and leave the receipts on the table there's no problem. However, he still opens my door, holds my hand, kisses my hand and strokes my cheek and is sure to give me a kiss before he leaves out the door for work or anywhere without me. He is sure to stand up and protect my name if anyone tries anything with me and he does stop and see if a woman could use assistance when she looks like it.

No, chivalry is not dead. Women's lib is alive too. We just need to know how to occasionally make concessions our partners in life. That way we can each be comfortable with our own unique selves and live together harmoniously.