The best gifts in a relationship or marriage is the gifts from the heart. It's when you give yourself and your time to the other/relationship. Can you think of a better way of starting or ending your day than a kiss from the one you love? Whether, it's just before you leave or right after you come home from work.
Retired?, then you have a lot more time together. Therefore, you spend mature time with one another, you already know how to anticipate the other's wants at the breakfast table before he/she even asks. Isn't it nice when someone has already put the newspaper on the table beside your coffee cup? Or he remembered to buy the right low-cal sweetener when he went to the supermarket yesterday, because you mentioned you were nearly out. These little things in which you give out of love and of yourself, no matter how trivial they sound, are some of the best gifts in a relationship. Mature love is just as special if not new found love.
New found love? Oh, that first kiss, the one that set your feet upon cloud nine for three days. The fires of desire that it stirred within you all week, as you waited for your next date. The sparkle in her eyes as she looks at you. The way he hangs upon your every word, noticing the way you run your hand through your bangs as you talk. The first time he puts him arm around you at the movies, it's warmth that makes your whole body tingle. You look around to be sure others know he is with you. The way you innocently take your hand in yours, while in public, as you notice other men looking at her. You want those men to know she's with you and you are proud of her, you love her. Yes, it's then you know you want to make that commitment to be with just that person. You know it's the person you love and have sought, your heart tells you so. Therefore, you declare your feelings aloud finally to one another. The gifts of loving words, touches and time together building upon a relationship are some of the best gifts.
Wanting a bit more than just holding hands or remembering something. Them surprise her with a single rose, even if from your own rose bush, as a token of your ever-during love. She will cherish it and probably press it between a book to keep forever. A man truly feels special when a woman cooks/bakes for him. Especially if she bakes him his favorite treat like sugar cookies, brownies or cupcakes. The fact that you spent your day off of work to bake him something he enjoys so much will really warm his heart. He will truly love you all the more for it also. It is true, the way to a man's heart is through his stomach. Okay, you don't bake. How about mow the lawn for him one weekend as he goes off with his friends that day to do one of his favorite activities (that you don't particularly like). He'll be impressed and love you all the more for it. Surprise her with a bubble bath by candlelight complete with a back massage after-wards. Giving of yourself and doing for one another are great gifts towards your marriage/relationship.
Also, don't forget the most important way to give the gift of a great relationship to one another is to be not only lovers but best friends also. In other words, don't just hear but actually listen to one another. Whether it is when the other is having a bad day/a problem and needs to just vent/help finding a solution. Especially, listen very intently when you are having a disagreement. Because men and women speak differently. Women go on and on about every Little detail that has upset them from the last disagreement up to the current one. Before a woman is through the first five sentences though the man has already tuned her completely out. Especially since when she started talking it was not about the current disagreement. That's because she is doing it in chronological order of events, leading up to the current disagreement. However, the man doesn't want some drawn out explanation or raving rant. He wants two or three sentences as to why she's upset. Therefore, he can figure out what to do to put it to rest, period. Put yourself in your partners position next time you have a disagreement, pretend you are them. Act out their part as they probably would, don't get more upset if they may over-play your part. You may actually end up laughing and the disagreement may seem trivial in comparison after all. Being best friends, listening attentively, trying to understand the other person's viewpoint, and being good lovers. These are the real gifts that are the best you need to bring into a relationship. These gifts will help you far more than any monetary gifts you could ever buy one another.
Friday, February 29, 2008
Thursday, February 28, 2008
Smoking In Public Places:
How It Can Affect Everyone...
In November 2003, the Center for Disease Control (CDC), reported that "using data from national health surveys, the researchers calculated that 8.6 million people in the United States have a serious illness caused by smoking."That's a little bit more than the entire population of New York City." Think of that number for just a moment nearly nine million people, millions, yes that's what I said, millions of people have an illness somehow related/caused by smoking. Wow, staggering huh? You bet. That got my attention.
The CDC went on to say "for smoking, it's incredibly important to meet the 2010 goals because smoking is the leading cause of (preventable) death in this country, and if we can reduce smoking prevalence we can save a lot of lives, said Corinne Husten, MD, a medical officer with the CDC's Office on Smoking and Health. Reducing the smoking rate would also cut the staggering number of Americans living with debilitating diseases caused by tobacco." It didn't say if this included people with illness from second-hand smoke.
Facts from the American Lung Association say that "secondhand smoke, also known as environmental tobacco smoke (ETS), is a mixture of the smoke given off by the burning end of a cigarette, pipe or cigar and the smoke exhaled from the lungs of smokers. It is involuntarily inhaled by nonsmokers, lingers in the air hours after cigarettes have been extinguished and can cause or exacerbate a wide range of adverse health effects, including cancer, respiratory infections, and asthma.
Secondhand smoke has been classified by the Environmental Protection Agency (EPA) as a known cause of cancer in humans (Group A carcinogen).
Secondhand smoke exposure causes disease and premature death in children and adults who do not smoke. Secondhand smoke contains hundreds of chemicals known to be toxic or carcinogenic, including formaldehyde, benzene, vinyl chloride, arsenic ammonia and hydrogen cyanide.
Secondhand smoke causes approximately 3,400 lung cancer deaths and 46,000 heart disease deaths in adult nonsmokers in the United States each year.
Nonsmokers exposed to secondhand smoke at work are at increased risk for adverse health effects. Levels of ETS in restaurants and bars were found to be 2 to 5 times higher than in residences with smokers and 2 to 6 times higher than in office workplaces." (italics mine)
It's when we go to these restaurants, bars or to our own places of work that allow smoking inside we become exposed. I say ban smoking from inside the premises entirely. In Utah, when I lived there, ten years ago, they began to ban smoking in restaurants. The only places that could allow smoking had to become clubs, even diners/restaurants and had to display a sign on the entrance "this is a smoking establishment". This I think is a great alternative for smokers. If select restaurants actually have a ninety percentile clientele of smokers it may be worth the establishments effort/cost to do something like that, if the state allows it as an alternative. I now live in Idaho. Here the bars, a few restaurant and most of the bowling alleys have an area/patio established outside where people can step out and have a smoke. Another great alternative as long as the person stays in the air long enough to air out. Or spray off with some cinnamon air freshener. Recently the hospital here went to a non-smoking establishment, offering it's smoking employees free classes to kick the habit. You can't smoke anywhere inside nor outside on the entire campus either.
I've worked in the healthcare field for many years, and have seen many illnesses related to cigarette smoking. According the the American Lung Association "secondhand smoke is responsible for between 150,000 and 300,000 lower respiratory tract infections in infants and children under 18 months of age, resulting in between 7,500 and 15,000 hospitalizations each year, and causes 430 sudden infant death syndrome (SIDS) deaths in the United States annually.
Secondhand smoke exposure may cause buildup of fluid in the middle ear, resulting in 790,000 physician office visits per year.10 Secondhand smoke can also aggravate symptoms in 400,000 to 1,000,000 children with asthma."
The CDC went on to further report that "most of those people - about 59% - have either chronic bronchitis or emphysema, lung conditions that make breathing difficult and can be deadly. Smoking-related cancers accounted for 13% of the serious diseases; more than 1.5 million people are affected.
Among cancer cases, lung cancer accounted for only 1% of cases (184,000 people). Yet lung cancer strikes nearly 172,000 Americans each year, and kills more people than any other cancer. Why weren't the numbers in the survey higher?
Hyland has one explanation. "The reality is, if you have lung cancer, the survival is just a few months."
Lung cancer is frequently not found until it is advanced, when it kills quickly. Many patients simply don't survive long enough to be found by surveys like the ones used to collect this data.
This is the first time researchers have tried to quantify the chronic health effects of smoking, as opposed to looking at the number of deaths it causes. But as shocking as the figure is - 8.6 million Americans with serious illnesses - Hyland says it probably understates the problem.
"Our estimates, I think, are very conservative," he said.
The surveys only looked at a handful of serious smoking-related illnesses, he explained, and did not include less debilitating conditions, like sinusitis, impotence or impaired wound healing. Also, only diseases related to smoking were included; if the researchers had also included diseases related to other tobacco products, like chewing tobacco or snuff, the numbers would have been higher, Hyland said."
I'm a non-smoker, I've got grown kids who are smokers and have always had them go outside, even in the winter to smoke. Cigarette smoke gives me migraines. Smokers do have rights too I realize that, however, they must realize what it is doing to themselves and other people around them also. The statistics above should at least make you stop and think about smoking to some degree. Whether it be that you should quit for the sake of your own health or at least think of those around you when you do light up.
www.cancer.org(re:CDC report)
www.lungusa.org (re:Second Hand Smoke facts)
All Comments Encouraged And Welcomed.
In November 2003, the Center for Disease Control (CDC), reported that "using data from national health surveys, the researchers calculated that 8.6 million people in the United States have a serious illness caused by smoking."That's a little bit more than the entire population of New York City." Think of that number for just a moment nearly nine million people, millions, yes that's what I said, millions of people have an illness somehow related/caused by smoking. Wow, staggering huh? You bet. That got my attention.
The CDC went on to say "for smoking, it's incredibly important to meet the 2010 goals because smoking is the leading cause of (preventable) death in this country, and if we can reduce smoking prevalence we can save a lot of lives, said Corinne Husten, MD, a medical officer with the CDC's Office on Smoking and Health. Reducing the smoking rate would also cut the staggering number of Americans living with debilitating diseases caused by tobacco." It didn't say if this included people with illness from second-hand smoke.
Facts from the American Lung Association say that "secondhand smoke, also known as environmental tobacco smoke (ETS), is a mixture of the smoke given off by the burning end of a cigarette, pipe or cigar and the smoke exhaled from the lungs of smokers. It is involuntarily inhaled by nonsmokers, lingers in the air hours after cigarettes have been extinguished and can cause or exacerbate a wide range of adverse health effects, including cancer, respiratory infections, and asthma.
Secondhand smoke has been classified by the Environmental Protection Agency (EPA) as a known cause of cancer in humans (Group A carcinogen).
Secondhand smoke exposure causes disease and premature death in children and adults who do not smoke. Secondhand smoke contains hundreds of chemicals known to be toxic or carcinogenic, including formaldehyde, benzene, vinyl chloride, arsenic ammonia and hydrogen cyanide.
Secondhand smoke causes approximately 3,400 lung cancer deaths and 46,000 heart disease deaths in adult nonsmokers in the United States each year.
Nonsmokers exposed to secondhand smoke at work are at increased risk for adverse health effects. Levels of ETS in restaurants and bars were found to be 2 to 5 times higher than in residences with smokers and 2 to 6 times higher than in office workplaces." (italics mine)
It's when we go to these restaurants, bars or to our own places of work that allow smoking inside we become exposed. I say ban smoking from inside the premises entirely. In Utah, when I lived there, ten years ago, they began to ban smoking in restaurants. The only places that could allow smoking had to become clubs, even diners/restaurants and had to display a sign on the entrance "this is a smoking establishment". This I think is a great alternative for smokers. If select restaurants actually have a ninety percentile clientele of smokers it may be worth the establishments effort/cost to do something like that, if the state allows it as an alternative. I now live in Idaho. Here the bars, a few restaurant and most of the bowling alleys have an area/patio established outside where people can step out and have a smoke. Another great alternative as long as the person stays in the air long enough to air out. Or spray off with some cinnamon air freshener. Recently the hospital here went to a non-smoking establishment, offering it's smoking employees free classes to kick the habit. You can't smoke anywhere inside nor outside on the entire campus either.
I've worked in the healthcare field for many years, and have seen many illnesses related to cigarette smoking. According the the American Lung Association "secondhand smoke is responsible for between 150,000 and 300,000 lower respiratory tract infections in infants and children under 18 months of age, resulting in between 7,500 and 15,000 hospitalizations each year, and causes 430 sudden infant death syndrome (SIDS) deaths in the United States annually.
Secondhand smoke exposure may cause buildup of fluid in the middle ear, resulting in 790,000 physician office visits per year.10 Secondhand smoke can also aggravate symptoms in 400,000 to 1,000,000 children with asthma."
The CDC went on to further report that "most of those people - about 59% - have either chronic bronchitis or emphysema, lung conditions that make breathing difficult and can be deadly. Smoking-related cancers accounted for 13% of the serious diseases; more than 1.5 million people are affected.
Among cancer cases, lung cancer accounted for only 1% of cases (184,000 people). Yet lung cancer strikes nearly 172,000 Americans each year, and kills more people than any other cancer. Why weren't the numbers in the survey higher?
Hyland has one explanation. "The reality is, if you have lung cancer, the survival is just a few months."
Lung cancer is frequently not found until it is advanced, when it kills quickly. Many patients simply don't survive long enough to be found by surveys like the ones used to collect this data.
This is the first time researchers have tried to quantify the chronic health effects of smoking, as opposed to looking at the number of deaths it causes. But as shocking as the figure is - 8.6 million Americans with serious illnesses - Hyland says it probably understates the problem.
"Our estimates, I think, are very conservative," he said.
The surveys only looked at a handful of serious smoking-related illnesses, he explained, and did not include less debilitating conditions, like sinusitis, impotence or impaired wound healing. Also, only diseases related to smoking were included; if the researchers had also included diseases related to other tobacco products, like chewing tobacco or snuff, the numbers would have been higher, Hyland said."
I'm a non-smoker, I've got grown kids who are smokers and have always had them go outside, even in the winter to smoke. Cigarette smoke gives me migraines. Smokers do have rights too I realize that, however, they must realize what it is doing to themselves and other people around them also. The statistics above should at least make you stop and think about smoking to some degree. Whether it be that you should quit for the sake of your own health or at least think of those around you when you do light up.
www.cancer.org(re:CDC report)
www.lungusa.org (re:Second Hand Smoke facts)
All Comments Encouraged And Welcomed.
True Beauty:
Your True Beauty Lies Within.
A person's true beauty resides within them. However, it shines through to the world in their eyes, their smile, their gestures, humanity and their goodwill towards other people, their social attitude and the world around them. Try walking around and saying "Hello or Good Morning" to everyone you meet for just one morning. Watch those that acknowledge you and smile or just nod. Not only do they smile with their mouths but their eyes light up and smile back too. That's the true beauty of that person shining through. As they are wishing you a great day, they are also giving you a part of them to carry with you through your day too.
Even a person who weighs more than someone else can be more beautiful if he or she has a beautiful soul that shines outward to all those around them. It's not the way a person looks on the outside that reflects the true self of that person. It's what's inside that person's soul that reflects what is their true beauty. It's also that person's attitude that reflects what is beneath the surface. Attitude belies the persons inner soul. Only those people who are shallow will allow themselves to be attracted by someone because of what they look like on the outside. In those cases they may end up with someone that is not who they truly want. They could get someone who is selfish and self-centered and not very caring. In the end a person could be very disappointed that they settled for the other person due to what they felt was beauty on the outside instead of looking for the beauty on the inside.
That is why you must truly look for the true soul of a person's beauty on the inside to find the right person that you are seeking. I have had my ups and downs in the weight department from skinny to heavy all my life. Either way the most important compliment a man has ever given me, no matter what I weighed at the time, was "I love your smile and your eyes tell me you are have a kind soul." That tells me that a person who is truly looking for the true beauty of a person must look beyond the body of the person that's on the outside.
You must look into the depths of the person on the inside. For that's where you will find the beauty that you seek. For true beauty lies within. There are no ifs ands or buts about it.
A person's true beauty resides within them. However, it shines through to the world in their eyes, their smile, their gestures, humanity and their goodwill towards other people, their social attitude and the world around them. Try walking around and saying "Hello or Good Morning" to everyone you meet for just one morning. Watch those that acknowledge you and smile or just nod. Not only do they smile with their mouths but their eyes light up and smile back too. That's the true beauty of that person shining through. As they are wishing you a great day, they are also giving you a part of them to carry with you through your day too.
Even a person who weighs more than someone else can be more beautiful if he or she has a beautiful soul that shines outward to all those around them. It's not the way a person looks on the outside that reflects the true self of that person. It's what's inside that person's soul that reflects what is their true beauty. It's also that person's attitude that reflects what is beneath the surface. Attitude belies the persons inner soul. Only those people who are shallow will allow themselves to be attracted by someone because of what they look like on the outside. In those cases they may end up with someone that is not who they truly want. They could get someone who is selfish and self-centered and not very caring. In the end a person could be very disappointed that they settled for the other person due to what they felt was beauty on the outside instead of looking for the beauty on the inside.
That is why you must truly look for the true soul of a person's beauty on the inside to find the right person that you are seeking. I have had my ups and downs in the weight department from skinny to heavy all my life. Either way the most important compliment a man has ever given me, no matter what I weighed at the time, was "I love your smile and your eyes tell me you are have a kind soul." That tells me that a person who is truly looking for the true beauty of a person must look beyond the body of the person that's on the outside.
You must look into the depths of the person on the inside. For that's where you will find the beauty that you seek. For true beauty lies within. There are no ifs ands or buts about it.
Wednesday, February 27, 2008
Shopping On A Budget:
DON'T BE A FAD SHOPPER, BE A CLEARANCE SHOPPER
I don't shop for fads or on the current racks. I am a definite bargain shopper especially when it comes to buying clothes, even at the malls. You don't have to spend a lot to look like you did. You can get those same clothes your friends are wearing right now if you just wait till the end of the season and they are on the bargain racks. I have bought, at the mall, an unblemished pair of black leather pants that were originally priced at two hundred dollars for a mere twenty five dollars. Also at an entirely different mall, in a different city, a few months earlier I had bought a black leather jacket, in brand-new condition too, originally priced at two hundred and twenty five dollars for only twenty dollars. Many times I have bought skirts at end of season clearance for anywhere from sixty cents (yes cents) up to five dollars. I am talking about jean, suede, silk, cotton, and satin skirts of all styles from mini to long.
I accent my clothes with hats, belts and scarves to add my own personality. It makes the look uniquely mine and updates it from the previous seasonal fad that my friends and everyone else was just wearing. I get many compliments from a lot of people on what I wear. Being you and being unique and not worrying about fads or the latest fashion. It is making your own statement, and you can do it all by saving money and still buying new clothes. I enjoy the savings knowing I bought that leather jacket for only twenty dollars which others paid two hundred and twenty five dollars. Imagine, you telling your friends or spouse how you just saved two hundred and five dollars on buying a leather jacket. My husband brags, all the time, how thrifty I am such and a great bargain shopper. He knows when I go to the mall I hardly ever will pay full price for clothes, the few times have been for pantyhose for a wedding or something of that sort. Remember don't be a fad shopper be a clearance shopper. Most of all have fun looking for your new treasures, I do.
I don't shop for fads or on the current racks. I am a definite bargain shopper especially when it comes to buying clothes, even at the malls. You don't have to spend a lot to look like you did. You can get those same clothes your friends are wearing right now if you just wait till the end of the season and they are on the bargain racks. I have bought, at the mall, an unblemished pair of black leather pants that were originally priced at two hundred dollars for a mere twenty five dollars. Also at an entirely different mall, in a different city, a few months earlier I had bought a black leather jacket, in brand-new condition too, originally priced at two hundred and twenty five dollars for only twenty dollars. Many times I have bought skirts at end of season clearance for anywhere from sixty cents (yes cents) up to five dollars. I am talking about jean, suede, silk, cotton, and satin skirts of all styles from mini to long.
I accent my clothes with hats, belts and scarves to add my own personality. It makes the look uniquely mine and updates it from the previous seasonal fad that my friends and everyone else was just wearing. I get many compliments from a lot of people on what I wear. Being you and being unique and not worrying about fads or the latest fashion. It is making your own statement, and you can do it all by saving money and still buying new clothes. I enjoy the savings knowing I bought that leather jacket for only twenty dollars which others paid two hundred and twenty five dollars. Imagine, you telling your friends or spouse how you just saved two hundred and five dollars on buying a leather jacket. My husband brags, all the time, how thrifty I am such and a great bargain shopper. He knows when I go to the mall I hardly ever will pay full price for clothes, the few times have been for pantyhose for a wedding or something of that sort. Remember don't be a fad shopper be a clearance shopper. Most of all have fun looking for your new treasures, I do.
My Nightmare Of Abuses:
My ex-husband was definitely emotionally abusive. The signs of emotional abuse can at first seem so slight. Mine began as just a simple question like "don't you think you've eaten enough already?" and escalated to the fact that every time I opened the refrigerator he actually made oinking noises at me. I was very unhappy so I was eating more and gaining weight. He then began to become emotionally abusive. Other abuses soon followed. That's another story; please read "Domestic Violence: My Story."
"We can't go anywhere with the way you look or how fat you are now!" he'd scream at me. Sometimes it would be "I'm going to go without you cause you are just too embarrassing to take!" Words cut like a knife to your very soul and they can hurt your emotional psyche. Depression sets in like a deep overwhelming cloud and covers you in a gray suffocating blanket. You don't know where to turn. You feel like you are failing your husband. You try harder to please him by dieting. You loose five pounds and are proud of yourself but he doesn't seem to be. Now he finds other faults with you. "You don't keep the house clean enough for his friends to visit." This is his new reason not to have company over and for him to go over to see them without you. You still are a failure in his eyes. Your emotional psyche is damaged again even though it should be getting praise from loosing that weight.
He's moved you far away from your family and you can't go to their homes so you have no where to turn and run at this time. He may have caused a problem between you and your own family members making you choose between him or them. At the time you chose him because things were going well and you were "in love" and there was no emotional abuse then. Now it's all different. This is one of the first tricks an abuser will use before he begins his abuse. It's his isolation technique. Usually it's followed up with a move from the area, state or even the country.
Emotional abuse can begin with yelling but only at an alarming level on a consistent basis. The wording is what is what you need to pay particular attention to
in detail. Is it so upsetting to your psyche that you are becoming increasingly depressed? Does your spouse dismiss it when you try to speak to him/her as if you are being overly sensitive? Is it continuing even though you have talked to your spouse about it and have asked that him/her speak to you in a more respectful manner? If so seek counseling, family, friends, or a shelter. Leave and don't go back until things can be resolved if they can. Emotional abuse is only the first step towards other abuses which only become worse over time. Believe me I lived through this nightmare in two separated marriages prior to the one I'm happily in now.
If you are wondering if you are being abused emotionally or know someone who might be. Also, there is a personal bill of rights written by a Doctor along with other useful links. It also lists symptoms of emotional abuse. Check Out The Site Below:
www.lilaclane.com
"We can't go anywhere with the way you look or how fat you are now!" he'd scream at me. Sometimes it would be "I'm going to go without you cause you are just too embarrassing to take!" Words cut like a knife to your very soul and they can hurt your emotional psyche. Depression sets in like a deep overwhelming cloud and covers you in a gray suffocating blanket. You don't know where to turn. You feel like you are failing your husband. You try harder to please him by dieting. You loose five pounds and are proud of yourself but he doesn't seem to be. Now he finds other faults with you. "You don't keep the house clean enough for his friends to visit." This is his new reason not to have company over and for him to go over to see them without you. You still are a failure in his eyes. Your emotional psyche is damaged again even though it should be getting praise from loosing that weight.
He's moved you far away from your family and you can't go to their homes so you have no where to turn and run at this time. He may have caused a problem between you and your own family members making you choose between him or them. At the time you chose him because things were going well and you were "in love" and there was no emotional abuse then. Now it's all different. This is one of the first tricks an abuser will use before he begins his abuse. It's his isolation technique. Usually it's followed up with a move from the area, state or even the country.
Emotional abuse can begin with yelling but only at an alarming level on a consistent basis. The wording is what is what you need to pay particular attention to
in detail. Is it so upsetting to your psyche that you are becoming increasingly depressed? Does your spouse dismiss it when you try to speak to him/her as if you are being overly sensitive? Is it continuing even though you have talked to your spouse about it and have asked that him/her speak to you in a more respectful manner? If so seek counseling, family, friends, or a shelter. Leave and don't go back until things can be resolved if they can. Emotional abuse is only the first step towards other abuses which only become worse over time. Believe me I lived through this nightmare in two separated marriages prior to the one I'm happily in now.
If you are wondering if you are being abused emotionally or know someone who might be. Also, there is a personal bill of rights written by a Doctor along with other useful links. It also lists symptoms of emotional abuse. Check Out The Site Below:
www.lilaclane.com
Tuesday, February 26, 2008
Five Questions For Men:
My Five Questions
In my journey through life and my relationships, I believe I can come up with a few universal ones to post on this topic.
My first and foremost question would have to be;
Why do men believe it is not macho to show their true feelings for the woman they care/love in the presence of their friends/other men? This makes us, the woman you care/love, feel slighted and even less cared/loved.
Secondly, Why is it so difficult for a man to discuss his emotions with a woman? Woman definitely don't have any problems in this area. We realize you are perfectly aware of this fact. Especially since you probably complain to your buddies about it endlessly whenever you guys get together drinking and bowling. We women, that are your partners, wives etc., want to be more involved in your life. We feel you are keeping us closed out whenever you refuse to discuss your feelings with us. It's like you have a secret closet that says "do not enter".
Thirdly, Why is it whenever we are going somewhere you feel the urge to rush us women? As a woman I generally know how long it will take to get ready and even add an extra thirty minutes to that time in case of a "hair or clothing catastrophe". Yet, you are still standing around looking at your watch, tapping your foot, and saying "are you ready yet....it's xxxxx time". I know how to tell time and if I needed an update I would ask. Also, I realize men, to borrow a cliche', 9 out of 10 times get lost the first time whenever they go to a new place, and I am even prepared in case. Because, I have already gone online and downloaded a map, from point A (the house) to point B (our destination) which includes even written directions. So give me a break will you!
Fourth, Why is it when I prepare a meal you don't like you won't just say so? The answer I get is "It was interesting". Interesting?! That sounds like we took a museum tour not ate a meal. Get real. I asked you if you liked the new recipe because I wanted your feedback. If I didn't want your opinion I wouldn't of asked for it. Be honest. Just say it like this: "It wasn't one of your best meals. I would prefer not to have it again" - that's the way not to hurt my feelings if you want it sugar-coated. Or just say "I really didn't like it, but I ate it anyways for you. But, don't make it again because I won't eat it again".
Fifth, Why is it whenever a woman asks if you want to do something, and if the man is interested (i.e. skinny-dipping), the answer is "if you want"? Why can't you give a straight answer? Say Yes not if you want-the woman would never have asked if she wasn't interested. Get a clue. Okay I know that was actually Why do men answer a question with another question?.....but it does get annoying when you do. Women may tend to do this sometimes. But, I feel we more or less miss doing it since we just continually talk on and on.
So those are my questions for the men out there and for my man. Most are applicable to be universally answered.
In my journey through life and my relationships, I believe I can come up with a few universal ones to post on this topic.
My first and foremost question would have to be;
Why do men believe it is not macho to show their true feelings for the woman they care/love in the presence of their friends/other men? This makes us, the woman you care/love, feel slighted and even less cared/loved.
Secondly, Why is it so difficult for a man to discuss his emotions with a woman? Woman definitely don't have any problems in this area. We realize you are perfectly aware of this fact. Especially since you probably complain to your buddies about it endlessly whenever you guys get together drinking and bowling. We women, that are your partners, wives etc., want to be more involved in your life. We feel you are keeping us closed out whenever you refuse to discuss your feelings with us. It's like you have a secret closet that says "do not enter".
Thirdly, Why is it whenever we are going somewhere you feel the urge to rush us women? As a woman I generally know how long it will take to get ready and even add an extra thirty minutes to that time in case of a "hair or clothing catastrophe". Yet, you are still standing around looking at your watch, tapping your foot, and saying "are you ready yet....it's xxxxx time". I know how to tell time and if I needed an update I would ask. Also, I realize men, to borrow a cliche', 9 out of 10 times get lost the first time whenever they go to a new place, and I am even prepared in case. Because, I have already gone online and downloaded a map, from point A (the house) to point B (our destination) which includes even written directions. So give me a break will you!
Fourth, Why is it when I prepare a meal you don't like you won't just say so? The answer I get is "It was interesting". Interesting?! That sounds like we took a museum tour not ate a meal. Get real. I asked you if you liked the new recipe because I wanted your feedback. If I didn't want your opinion I wouldn't of asked for it. Be honest. Just say it like this: "It wasn't one of your best meals. I would prefer not to have it again" - that's the way not to hurt my feelings if you want it sugar-coated. Or just say "I really didn't like it, but I ate it anyways for you. But, don't make it again because I won't eat it again".
Fifth, Why is it whenever a woman asks if you want to do something, and if the man is interested (i.e. skinny-dipping), the answer is "if you want"? Why can't you give a straight answer? Say Yes not if you want-the woman would never have asked if she wasn't interested. Get a clue. Okay I know that was actually Why do men answer a question with another question?.....but it does get annoying when you do. Women may tend to do this sometimes. But, I feel we more or less miss doing it since we just continually talk on and on.
So those are my questions for the men out there and for my man. Most are applicable to be universally answered.
Emergency Care:
The Influence Of Insurance, Race and Gender On Emergency Care
Yes, you are asked questions in regards to your insurance. If you have no insurance then doctors do consider this on some major tests if they are actually necessary. Some doctors will even discuss this with the patient and give them the option that if the symptoms persist to return and the tests will then be performed since MRI's and CAT scans and some other diagnostic x-rays and ultrasounds can be quite costly. If you also lack insurance doctors will also consider the less-expensive of medications for you too. These are good things. Another consideration is that after you do receive the emergency room bill you can go to the hospital and fill out a form with the billing department in getting your bill reduced based on your income status. You will have to provide copies of your bills and proof of your income for this reduction. The hospital is there to help and assist you when you are in need of emergency care. Afterward when you don't have the insurance they can help you with some sort of payment plan to pay for the service you did receive.
Race may be considered due to the area you live in for many factors. It could be that your race is more prone to certain requirements as far as an interpreter or spiritual counselor or your family circle. In my area we have a large number of Indian tribes in which the family circle members have a say. They require a certain amount of respect and must be spoken to accordingly and while in the room. So, if the head of that family is not present the doctor must wait until he is, therefore that prolongs the wait on giving treatment and diagnosis for the member of that family. Also, there is often need for interpreters to be called which also prolongs the need for people of certain races to wait longer, especially if they don't speak any English.
Gender's main factor may only be that most male doctors feel that they need a female nurse beside them at all times when treating a female patient to avoid a potential lawsuit for inappropriate touching. Since lawsuits in today's society seem to be running rampant. With nurses' shortages it sometimes takes awhile for a female nurse to become available to assist.
Yes, you are asked questions in regards to your insurance. If you have no insurance then doctors do consider this on some major tests if they are actually necessary. Some doctors will even discuss this with the patient and give them the option that if the symptoms persist to return and the tests will then be performed since MRI's and CAT scans and some other diagnostic x-rays and ultrasounds can be quite costly. If you also lack insurance doctors will also consider the less-expensive of medications for you too. These are good things. Another consideration is that after you do receive the emergency room bill you can go to the hospital and fill out a form with the billing department in getting your bill reduced based on your income status. You will have to provide copies of your bills and proof of your income for this reduction. The hospital is there to help and assist you when you are in need of emergency care. Afterward when you don't have the insurance they can help you with some sort of payment plan to pay for the service you did receive.
Race may be considered due to the area you live in for many factors. It could be that your race is more prone to certain requirements as far as an interpreter or spiritual counselor or your family circle. In my area we have a large number of Indian tribes in which the family circle members have a say. They require a certain amount of respect and must be spoken to accordingly and while in the room. So, if the head of that family is not present the doctor must wait until he is, therefore that prolongs the wait on giving treatment and diagnosis for the member of that family. Also, there is often need for interpreters to be called which also prolongs the need for people of certain races to wait longer, especially if they don't speak any English.
Gender's main factor may only be that most male doctors feel that they need a female nurse beside them at all times when treating a female patient to avoid a potential lawsuit for inappropriate touching. Since lawsuits in today's society seem to be running rampant. With nurses' shortages it sometimes takes awhile for a female nurse to become available to assist.
Monday, February 25, 2008
Domestic Violence: My Story
THE LONG ROAD I TRAVELED TO FREEDOM
At seventeen, I married a man eight years older, who seemed to care for me. A month after we married I became pregnant. Three months later the verbal abuse began. I had no knowledge what was considered verbal abuse. However, he continually told me how poorly I kept up the apartment and that I was an embarrassment to him. As time went by he began using vulgar language with gestures towards me. He expected me to be home awaiting his arrival from work. His dinner had to be ready within ten minutes after he got home. Therefore, I had to limit my time away from home, with relatives, to avoid being late at the door. Otherwise he would yell, calling me all types of things which made me hate myself. One evening, in my seventh month of pregnancy, I wasn't able to get the tub/shower unit clean enough. He flipped out and hit me for the first time. I believed him when he apologized telling me "it won't happen again baby". Then he took me out to dinner. However, it did continue to happen. He was very good about never hitting me where it would show. He mainly hit me in the stomach or on the legs or shoulders. He avoided hitting my face or lower arms/wrists. His excuse was always "look what you made me do". I did believe him, that it was my fault that he hit me. So I tried even harder to do everything he wanted exactly how he wanted it. Just to avoid getting hit. But, I still seemed to fail somehow. I began to believe myself to be a "failure and no good". Some of the very same words he would use when speaking at me.
The baby was born and for awhile things went well. The only times he would get upset then where at the grocery store. It seemed that I was wrong, if the cashier was male asked "how are you?", if I responded. Another instance would be if I looked up at a man in the supermarket or any public place. Then when we got home I would get a beating. So I walked around the store and other public places with my head down. I walked one pace behind my husband to the right of his elbow. That was my place. I did my best to avoid any public interaction. As long as I did so things went along smoothly. That was until he got dishonorably discharged from the service. Somehow that was my fault. Whack! He back-handed me so hard across the face his ring left a bruise on my cheek. This was the first time he left a visible mark. For three days I didn't go anywhere near my family. However, my Mother grew worried. So she came over on the fourth day. She saw the bruise and asked if Roy hit me. I told he "no, I hit myself in the face with the mop handle". The first of many cover-up lies.
Later, learned that is what Domestic Abuse Victims do when confronted about bruises. Why? Because we are afraid that someone will say we told. Then we will get in more trouble. More trouble you ask? How? Well, if authorities come, they question or take away the abuser. That only makes the abuser more angry at the victim. Then after the abuser is released the victim is in more danger than before. Because the abuser will come after the victim with a vengeance. The result is more severe abuse and sometimes broken bones or even death. Some abusers even go after the children of the victim to punish the victim for the fact that they, the abuser, had to go to jail/got reprimanded. It's a scary way to live. People often ask why don't/didn't you just leave? Easy to ask...read on.
At first, I was young and naive. I had a child with him. So I hoped, with love, he'd change. After all, he did promise. When he hit my face, I told him my Mom asked about the bruise on my cheek. He felt bad, or acted like it, he bought me flowers. He then took me to dinner. Over dinner, he said, "there's was a job waiting in Maryland for me". We would be moving from California to Maryland. They could only hold the job for three weeks. Our daughter was now sixteen months old. "We are going to need a place to stay, money to move and a car that would make the trip" I said in reply. Well, that didn't bode too well. We got home and he screamed "I've made all those arrangements. You better get everything together. We leave in ten days. So no time for visiting with your family!" I went to pick up the phone to call my Mom and tell her. He yanked it out of the wall. The next day he had them cut the phone service off. Mom ended up coming by a day later to see why the phone was off. I was busy packing and Roy was rude to her. She stayed anyways and helped me pack. We moved to Maryland. I was cut off from my family. Later, I found out this is another tactic abusers use before escalating the abuse. I found out I was pregnant again, two months along, so we had another baby together. A son this time. His family didn't want me around. They verbally abused me too. So I could see where he got it from. Most abusers are raised in abusive households. However, the cycle can be broken. Abuse doesn't have to continue into the next generation. He lost that job about a month before our son was born. So he decided we would return to California. Great for me.
After returning, my Mother was in my life again. We lived with my Mom for awhile. One night on our Anniversary, Mom was gone, and Roy was late. My little brother, age thirteen, was home with me watching television. Roy came in the house drunk. I told him "get out of my Mother's house, drunks aren't allowed in it!" He raised his hand to hit me. My brother, Roger, was standing behind me. I said "Go ahead! This time I have a witness! And I will press charges!" Roy pulled his arm down and said "I wasn't going to do nothing". "Liar" I replied as I gave him a little shove towards the door. He glared at me, then at my brother, and left. He ended up spending the night at some friends of ours. They called me later to let me know he was there. I didn't care. When my Mother came home Roger told her what happened. She said "He is not allowed in this house ever again. If you want to reconcile with him you'll have to rent somewhere to do so". My Mom was a woman of her word. He stayed at our friends for three weeks. They called for him to talk to me. Finally, I gave in and rented the duplex next door. We reconciled since it was close to Christmas. But, I only rented the duplex in my name only. I did not put my husband's name on the lease. That was the advice my Mother had given to me. In the end I am glad I listened to her. Because two days after Christmas the police showed up and arrested my husband for sexual abuse on a minor. This happened during the time we were separated. He was released on OR (own recognizance) because of his family ties (the kids and I). He tried telling me it was all lies. He said he'd take a polygraph but the state said we'd have to pay for it. I eventually, got the state to consent to paying for one. It was then he refused to take it. His court date was coming up soon. I asked him to leave my house since he hit me again. Also, our friends told me they saw him hit our daughter. That was the last straw! My Mother went to a lawyer had a paper drawn up in which I got complete custody of the children. He signed the papers but only after he had got her to drive him to the bus station. He boarded a bus and rode out of our lives. He never got his day in court.
Domestic Violence doesn't just include spouses, it also involves innocent children. These children can be verbally, physically, emotionally or sexually abused. I later learned through therapy that my daughter was also emotionally abused by her Father. She would want a glass of milk, while I was at work, he would refuse her, by teasing her with the milk jug. Then put it back into the refrigerator. So she would then stand screaming for it and then he would slap her on the side of the face. This is what the neighbor witnessed and why I asked him to leave. When I asked him to leave he didn't go quietly. I had to call a very big friend to come escort him out. I also unplugged the phone so he couldn't call and harass me. That friend sat on my front porch all night long protecting the kids and I. That friend was a friend of both Roy's and mine. However, he did not believe in abuse of any type.
That was my first marriage. I also married a second abusive husband. He was even worse. It seems abused women tend to migrate towards the same type of men, unless they can break that cycle. I believe this is because we are already broken and tend to believe we don't deserve a "good man" or to be "treated with respect". That is why I ended up in a second abusive marriage. In my second marriage I was verbally, sexually, physically, psychologically/mentally abused. I did fight back with my fists and got beat worse. I took beatings in place of my teenagers. I felt I deserved them since I married the man. They shouldn't have to pay for my mistakes. In this marriage I tried leaving earlier but he told me "I know where your family live and I know how to build bombs. If you leave someone in your family will die and you will be to blame". So I stayed. You ask why did I believe that bull? Let me tell you something that happened. One night I told him, while we were arguing, "I'm through. Tomorrow the kids and I are gone!" He grabbed his loaded 45 caliber and shot through our bedroom ceiling. The bullet penetrated the ceiling. All I could think of was my sleeping children in their rooms above us. "My God!" I flew out of our bedroom and up the stairs. I saw my daughter was still up, with her headphones on, writing some love note when she should be in bed. I scanned the floor. She looked up with that I got caught look. It was a mill-a-second later I saw a teeny bit of light from under her bed. I pulled up her mattress and there was the bullet lodged in it. Had she of been in bed, she would have weighed the mattress down, and it would have killed her. Yes, I learned he would kill my loved ones on that night. I stayed for as long as I had to. How long was that? It was until my children were grown and moved out of the house. That's how long. It was until he nearly choked me to death, after I had a stroke, and my Mother pried his hands off my throat. While they struggled, I clawed my way to the phone, and called the police, Meanwhile, he broke her finger and hit her in the chin. While he did three days in jail, my brothers moved us. I went into hiding for two years, before I was brave enough to file divorce, letting him know my whereabouts.
Today, I am alive. My Mother had been my saving grace and strength. My advice don't allow your abuser to take you from the strongest and closest person in your life. Because, it may be that very person that helps you break away. There are many support groups and agencies now available out there. There are even crisis lines. Reach out to someone. I know it's hard. Also, don't judge easily those in the situation. It's not always an easy road to get out. There are fears to overcome. Sometimes even people they love have been threatened and those threats can be very real. Let the victim know you are there. Don't push or call the authorities unless the victim is ready. Sometimes when you do so you may put the victim in even graver danger. As a victim I know. Also, as I past victim I also know that you are not "less of a person" like you have been told. "You are a good person. It is NOT your fault that this is happening. The reason this person is loosing control is NOT your fault! Do NOT believe it for a moment longer. Believe this: You can overcome anything. There is a Good person out there waiting to LOVE you. You deserve to be loved in a gentle way. You are a good person. There is nothing wrong with you. You are smart. You can survive on your own.
How do I know? I did live on my own for the first time when I went into hiding. The first month was awkward and Mom spent the night on the couch for a week. I got a dog. I felt better. I got some counseling. You can break the cycle of choosing an abusive partner. I did. I feel better. I am a good person. I dated a few months after my divorce was final. Nice men were asking me out. Most of all, I found a fantastic guy. We dated from Dec. 2003 to Aug. 2007. August 1,2007 we finally married. He isn't abusive. He loves and treats me well. He's a gentleman and my soul mate. It's been a long road I've traveled to my freedom. I know it can be done.
It's not easy. But you can overcome the abuse. You can overcome the depression. You can again believe in yourself. You can again believe in your dreams. You can again have friends who you can trust. You can have someone who will be good to you. You can live without fear. It is possible, I know. I am proof, for I am here now. Be the person you were meant to be. Don't stay a punching bag. Take your first step upon your road to freedom today.
This is a National Domestic Violence Site that also has information where you can locate places in your own state for help. Use it to help you get to where you need to be, live the life you were meant to. You are a good person and deserve to live a good life. Don't believe someone who needs to control you in order to feel better about themself. You can and will be able to make it on your own. I know, I did it! Please at least check out the below sit. Remember, one thing though, clear your cache afterwards -- so your abuser doesn't know where you have been.
For help click below:
National Domestic Violence Hotline = 1-800-799-SAFE (7233)
National Sexual Assault Hotline = 1-800-656-4673
www.ncadv.org (National Domestic Violence Site)
www.rdvcc (this site explains about clearing your cache also)
www.4women
At seventeen, I married a man eight years older, who seemed to care for me. A month after we married I became pregnant. Three months later the verbal abuse began. I had no knowledge what was considered verbal abuse. However, he continually told me how poorly I kept up the apartment and that I was an embarrassment to him. As time went by he began using vulgar language with gestures towards me. He expected me to be home awaiting his arrival from work. His dinner had to be ready within ten minutes after he got home. Therefore, I had to limit my time away from home, with relatives, to avoid being late at the door. Otherwise he would yell, calling me all types of things which made me hate myself. One evening, in my seventh month of pregnancy, I wasn't able to get the tub/shower unit clean enough. He flipped out and hit me for the first time. I believed him when he apologized telling me "it won't happen again baby". Then he took me out to dinner. However, it did continue to happen. He was very good about never hitting me where it would show. He mainly hit me in the stomach or on the legs or shoulders. He avoided hitting my face or lower arms/wrists. His excuse was always "look what you made me do". I did believe him, that it was my fault that he hit me. So I tried even harder to do everything he wanted exactly how he wanted it. Just to avoid getting hit. But, I still seemed to fail somehow. I began to believe myself to be a "failure and no good". Some of the very same words he would use when speaking at me.
The baby was born and for awhile things went well. The only times he would get upset then where at the grocery store. It seemed that I was wrong, if the cashier was male asked "how are you?", if I responded. Another instance would be if I looked up at a man in the supermarket or any public place. Then when we got home I would get a beating. So I walked around the store and other public places with my head down. I walked one pace behind my husband to the right of his elbow. That was my place. I did my best to avoid any public interaction. As long as I did so things went along smoothly. That was until he got dishonorably discharged from the service. Somehow that was my fault. Whack! He back-handed me so hard across the face his ring left a bruise on my cheek. This was the first time he left a visible mark. For three days I didn't go anywhere near my family. However, my Mother grew worried. So she came over on the fourth day. She saw the bruise and asked if Roy hit me. I told he "no, I hit myself in the face with the mop handle". The first of many cover-up lies.
Later, learned that is what Domestic Abuse Victims do when confronted about bruises. Why? Because we are afraid that someone will say we told. Then we will get in more trouble. More trouble you ask? How? Well, if authorities come, they question or take away the abuser. That only makes the abuser more angry at the victim. Then after the abuser is released the victim is in more danger than before. Because the abuser will come after the victim with a vengeance. The result is more severe abuse and sometimes broken bones or even death. Some abusers even go after the children of the victim to punish the victim for the fact that they, the abuser, had to go to jail/got reprimanded. It's a scary way to live. People often ask why don't/didn't you just leave? Easy to ask...read on.
At first, I was young and naive. I had a child with him. So I hoped, with love, he'd change. After all, he did promise. When he hit my face, I told him my Mom asked about the bruise on my cheek. He felt bad, or acted like it, he bought me flowers. He then took me to dinner. Over dinner, he said, "there's was a job waiting in Maryland for me". We would be moving from California to Maryland. They could only hold the job for three weeks. Our daughter was now sixteen months old. "We are going to need a place to stay, money to move and a car that would make the trip" I said in reply. Well, that didn't bode too well. We got home and he screamed "I've made all those arrangements. You better get everything together. We leave in ten days. So no time for visiting with your family!" I went to pick up the phone to call my Mom and tell her. He yanked it out of the wall. The next day he had them cut the phone service off. Mom ended up coming by a day later to see why the phone was off. I was busy packing and Roy was rude to her. She stayed anyways and helped me pack. We moved to Maryland. I was cut off from my family. Later, I found out this is another tactic abusers use before escalating the abuse. I found out I was pregnant again, two months along, so we had another baby together. A son this time. His family didn't want me around. They verbally abused me too. So I could see where he got it from. Most abusers are raised in abusive households. However, the cycle can be broken. Abuse doesn't have to continue into the next generation. He lost that job about a month before our son was born. So he decided we would return to California. Great for me.
After returning, my Mother was in my life again. We lived with my Mom for awhile. One night on our Anniversary, Mom was gone, and Roy was late. My little brother, age thirteen, was home with me watching television. Roy came in the house drunk. I told him "get out of my Mother's house, drunks aren't allowed in it!" He raised his hand to hit me. My brother, Roger, was standing behind me. I said "Go ahead! This time I have a witness! And I will press charges!" Roy pulled his arm down and said "I wasn't going to do nothing". "Liar" I replied as I gave him a little shove towards the door. He glared at me, then at my brother, and left. He ended up spending the night at some friends of ours. They called me later to let me know he was there. I didn't care. When my Mother came home Roger told her what happened. She said "He is not allowed in this house ever again. If you want to reconcile with him you'll have to rent somewhere to do so". My Mom was a woman of her word. He stayed at our friends for three weeks. They called for him to talk to me. Finally, I gave in and rented the duplex next door. We reconciled since it was close to Christmas. But, I only rented the duplex in my name only. I did not put my husband's name on the lease. That was the advice my Mother had given to me. In the end I am glad I listened to her. Because two days after Christmas the police showed up and arrested my husband for sexual abuse on a minor. This happened during the time we were separated. He was released on OR (own recognizance) because of his family ties (the kids and I). He tried telling me it was all lies. He said he'd take a polygraph but the state said we'd have to pay for it. I eventually, got the state to consent to paying for one. It was then he refused to take it. His court date was coming up soon. I asked him to leave my house since he hit me again. Also, our friends told me they saw him hit our daughter. That was the last straw! My Mother went to a lawyer had a paper drawn up in which I got complete custody of the children. He signed the papers but only after he had got her to drive him to the bus station. He boarded a bus and rode out of our lives. He never got his day in court.
Domestic Violence doesn't just include spouses, it also involves innocent children. These children can be verbally, physically, emotionally or sexually abused. I later learned through therapy that my daughter was also emotionally abused by her Father. She would want a glass of milk, while I was at work, he would refuse her, by teasing her with the milk jug. Then put it back into the refrigerator. So she would then stand screaming for it and then he would slap her on the side of the face. This is what the neighbor witnessed and why I asked him to leave. When I asked him to leave he didn't go quietly. I had to call a very big friend to come escort him out. I also unplugged the phone so he couldn't call and harass me. That friend sat on my front porch all night long protecting the kids and I. That friend was a friend of both Roy's and mine. However, he did not believe in abuse of any type.
That was my first marriage. I also married a second abusive husband. He was even worse. It seems abused women tend to migrate towards the same type of men, unless they can break that cycle. I believe this is because we are already broken and tend to believe we don't deserve a "good man" or to be "treated with respect". That is why I ended up in a second abusive marriage. In my second marriage I was verbally, sexually, physically, psychologically/mentally abused. I did fight back with my fists and got beat worse. I took beatings in place of my teenagers. I felt I deserved them since I married the man. They shouldn't have to pay for my mistakes. In this marriage I tried leaving earlier but he told me "I know where your family live and I know how to build bombs. If you leave someone in your family will die and you will be to blame". So I stayed. You ask why did I believe that bull? Let me tell you something that happened. One night I told him, while we were arguing, "I'm through. Tomorrow the kids and I are gone!" He grabbed his loaded 45 caliber and shot through our bedroom ceiling. The bullet penetrated the ceiling. All I could think of was my sleeping children in their rooms above us. "My God!" I flew out of our bedroom and up the stairs. I saw my daughter was still up, with her headphones on, writing some love note when she should be in bed. I scanned the floor. She looked up with that I got caught look. It was a mill-a-second later I saw a teeny bit of light from under her bed. I pulled up her mattress and there was the bullet lodged in it. Had she of been in bed, she would have weighed the mattress down, and it would have killed her. Yes, I learned he would kill my loved ones on that night. I stayed for as long as I had to. How long was that? It was until my children were grown and moved out of the house. That's how long. It was until he nearly choked me to death, after I had a stroke, and my Mother pried his hands off my throat. While they struggled, I clawed my way to the phone, and called the police, Meanwhile, he broke her finger and hit her in the chin. While he did three days in jail, my brothers moved us. I went into hiding for two years, before I was brave enough to file divorce, letting him know my whereabouts.
Today, I am alive. My Mother had been my saving grace and strength. My advice don't allow your abuser to take you from the strongest and closest person in your life. Because, it may be that very person that helps you break away. There are many support groups and agencies now available out there. There are even crisis lines. Reach out to someone. I know it's hard. Also, don't judge easily those in the situation. It's not always an easy road to get out. There are fears to overcome. Sometimes even people they love have been threatened and those threats can be very real. Let the victim know you are there. Don't push or call the authorities unless the victim is ready. Sometimes when you do so you may put the victim in even graver danger. As a victim I know. Also, as I past victim I also know that you are not "less of a person" like you have been told. "You are a good person. It is NOT your fault that this is happening. The reason this person is loosing control is NOT your fault! Do NOT believe it for a moment longer. Believe this: You can overcome anything. There is a Good person out there waiting to LOVE you. You deserve to be loved in a gentle way. You are a good person. There is nothing wrong with you. You are smart. You can survive on your own.
How do I know? I did live on my own for the first time when I went into hiding. The first month was awkward and Mom spent the night on the couch for a week. I got a dog. I felt better. I got some counseling. You can break the cycle of choosing an abusive partner. I did. I feel better. I am a good person. I dated a few months after my divorce was final. Nice men were asking me out. Most of all, I found a fantastic guy. We dated from Dec. 2003 to Aug. 2007. August 1,2007 we finally married. He isn't abusive. He loves and treats me well. He's a gentleman and my soul mate. It's been a long road I've traveled to my freedom. I know it can be done.
It's not easy. But you can overcome the abuse. You can overcome the depression. You can again believe in yourself. You can again believe in your dreams. You can again have friends who you can trust. You can have someone who will be good to you. You can live without fear. It is possible, I know. I am proof, for I am here now. Be the person you were meant to be. Don't stay a punching bag. Take your first step upon your road to freedom today.
This is a National Domestic Violence Site that also has information where you can locate places in your own state for help. Use it to help you get to where you need to be, live the life you were meant to. You are a good person and deserve to live a good life. Don't believe someone who needs to control you in order to feel better about themself. You can and will be able to make it on your own. I know, I did it! Please at least check out the below sit. Remember, one thing though, clear your cache afterwards -- so your abuser doesn't know where you have been.
For help click below:
National Domestic Violence Hotline = 1-800-799-SAFE (7233)
National Sexual Assault Hotline = 1-800-656-4673
www.ncadv.org (National Domestic Violence Site)
www.rdvcc (this site explains about clearing your cache also)
www.4women
Marriage After Living Together:
Why Do People Marry After A Long Live-In Relationship?
In the case of me and my husband I can tell you our reasons. At first let me inform you that we lived together for several years. Both of us had been married previously, had children, and divorced each twice before we ever met one another. All of our children are grown, living away from home, with their own families. Therefore, we found it a considering factor that we live together, for a long time, before we ever considered committing to marriage again. This was agreeable to both of us from the very beginning as neither wanted to rush into marriage.
Living together allowed us time to experience one another. It also, gave us opportunities to grow and travel together. We explored one another's differences and what habits we disliked about the other. We learned how we could live with them in a way that was accepting without putting a lot of strain on our relationship. In this way we felt we weren't changing the person whom we loved. For the last year we lived together we told everyone we were "life partners". We had already decided to be together for the rest of our lives at that point.
When you love someone so dearly, you actually "choose to love" someone. It's then you realize you want to be there in many ways, especially in the final stages of life. As we are a middle-aged couple and there are some health issues on the table. This was one factor we considered. Even though, we were "life partners" that still is not recognizable legally in society unless "life partner" means "spouse". Therefore, in the event that one of us ended up in ICU, at the hospital, the other would not be able to visit. ICU will only allow family members. The other part of the health issue was insurance. My new husband has MS and his shot therapy wasn't working. There was another option available. However, it would cost $5,000 per treatment. The treatment is once per month for the rest of his life if it is effective. Being that his MS is getting a bit worse meant he might not work much longer and would loose his only health insurance. I have a better health insurance plan, than the one his company offers, and it would be a benefit also when we got married.
Commitment was another factor. Not because neither of us had any issues surrounding insecurity. We had already committed to one another as "life partners" and the Christmas before he bought me a "couples ring" which had our birthstones and our names were engraved on it. I wore this ring on my left ring finger to signify my commitment to him and to others. It was more in a way of letting our families and others realize the depth of our commitment. Many felt, I believe, that I would not stay with Russ as his MS progressed. Russ, had a wife leave him for this very reason. So I do understand their concerns. I have been in the Medical field off and on for about twenty-five years. I took care of my Mother and Grand-Mother when they were disabled also. I know what it takes and am up to do it for the ones I love. I felt committed to show my commitment in this way.
Above all, Love is the main reason everyone marries. It was no less the reason we did. Even if we did take our time getting to the alter. When most people fall in love, sometimes it is fleeting, later to learn it was really lust. Therefore, to wait a long length of time is justified. You know for sure who you are marrying, that you really are in love and you can stand living with that person also. Those are great benefits to help you be sure your marriage is a successful one.
In the case of me and my husband I can tell you our reasons. At first let me inform you that we lived together for several years. Both of us had been married previously, had children, and divorced each twice before we ever met one another. All of our children are grown, living away from home, with their own families. Therefore, we found it a considering factor that we live together, for a long time, before we ever considered committing to marriage again. This was agreeable to both of us from the very beginning as neither wanted to rush into marriage.
Living together allowed us time to experience one another. It also, gave us opportunities to grow and travel together. We explored one another's differences and what habits we disliked about the other. We learned how we could live with them in a way that was accepting without putting a lot of strain on our relationship. In this way we felt we weren't changing the person whom we loved. For the last year we lived together we told everyone we were "life partners". We had already decided to be together for the rest of our lives at that point.
When you love someone so dearly, you actually "choose to love" someone. It's then you realize you want to be there in many ways, especially in the final stages of life. As we are a middle-aged couple and there are some health issues on the table. This was one factor we considered. Even though, we were "life partners" that still is not recognizable legally in society unless "life partner" means "spouse". Therefore, in the event that one of us ended up in ICU, at the hospital, the other would not be able to visit. ICU will only allow family members. The other part of the health issue was insurance. My new husband has MS and his shot therapy wasn't working. There was another option available. However, it would cost $5,000 per treatment. The treatment is once per month for the rest of his life if it is effective. Being that his MS is getting a bit worse meant he might not work much longer and would loose his only health insurance. I have a better health insurance plan, than the one his company offers, and it would be a benefit also when we got married.
Commitment was another factor. Not because neither of us had any issues surrounding insecurity. We had already committed to one another as "life partners" and the Christmas before he bought me a "couples ring" which had our birthstones and our names were engraved on it. I wore this ring on my left ring finger to signify my commitment to him and to others. It was more in a way of letting our families and others realize the depth of our commitment. Many felt, I believe, that I would not stay with Russ as his MS progressed. Russ, had a wife leave him for this very reason. So I do understand their concerns. I have been in the Medical field off and on for about twenty-five years. I took care of my Mother and Grand-Mother when they were disabled also. I know what it takes and am up to do it for the ones I love. I felt committed to show my commitment in this way.
Above all, Love is the main reason everyone marries. It was no less the reason we did. Even if we did take our time getting to the alter. When most people fall in love, sometimes it is fleeting, later to learn it was really lust. Therefore, to wait a long length of time is justified. You know for sure who you are marrying, that you really are in love and you can stand living with that person also. Those are great benefits to help you be sure your marriage is a successful one.
Sunday, February 24, 2008
Living Together Before Marriage:
Should They?
Nowadays, people should live together before they get married. In my first marriage I was a young woman who married a man eight years older then her. However, living together for at least a long-enough period of time would have been good experience. It may also have deterred me from getting into an abusive marriage. However, that is not always evident early.
Now let me tell you about my best relationship, in which living together for several years, we learned a lot about one another. Yes, we did get married recently too.
We met in December 2003 and began dating. Within weeks the compatibility seemed to be quite evident. However, both of us had both been twice married and twice divorced. Even though we are an older couple it was sure we wanted to not rush into marriage once again. We most definitely wanted to be sure that if we ever again it would be our last time. Therefore, May 2004, giving up my rent-controlled apartment, I moved and into his home. The relocation took me about an hour and a half from where I had been living. Also, farther away from where my disabled mother was residing at the time. However, my mother had previously made the decision that she would be going to California in July. Therefore, she urged me to make this move so she could be content knowing I would be happy before she left.
It is not always easy when one person moves into another person's home. It more then likely would have been easier had we had gotten a place we chose together. However, he's owned this home for over twenty-five years so that was not an option. I felt a bit awkward and tried my best not to step on his toes. Russ on the other hand, at first, went out of his way to make me feel like a guest. That was even more awkward as it made me feel like we were still on a date basis if I was his house guest. Even though he would say "make yourself at home", "put your things where-ever you want." However, I didn't want to just clutter up his home. I still felt the need to ask permission to do this or put that there for at least a month. Finally the newness of being in his home wore off.
Relationship wise, he at first tried to always sit beside me each evening. Still as if we were on a date. Finally, I told him "treat me like a room-mate type girlfriend and we shall get a better perspective on things". That's when things did fall better into place for us. Everyone will have to find their own way to handle the initial perspective of how to begin to join your lives together in the least awkward of ways.
Communication is one of the biggest problems for most couples. It can either go one of two ways; lack of communication or mis-communication that causes the major problems in relationships. I believe our biggest communication issues revolve around selective hearing/tuning one another out. This happens either because we are either just too tired or we simply don't hear the other one clearly enough. The latter problem is a common problem in middle-aged couples like us who do have slight hearing impairments. I for one am partially deaf in my left ear due to a disability so if we are in a vehicle and the radio is on I generally can't hear him. This is a major frustration issue for him. But, I have been told, due to my disability, it is not possible for me to wear a hearing aid.
Our other major ups and downs during these years of living together have been many. We have had to learn to adjust to sharing the blankets and bed with someone else. Many times one of our schedules conflict and one of us needs to leave for work while the other is sleeping. This can be a disturbance. It is much easier for me to roll over and fall back to sleep then for him. However, if I need to go to sleep much earlier to go to work early, it is hard for me to sleep with light seeping in under the door. There have been many times either of us has had broken sleep.
The pluses though have been that you can learn a lot about the person you care and love. You learn if they have the same taste in food, televison, if they hog the remote, are a channel hopper, how loud they like the volume on the television/radio. You also learn if they whine/complain a lot, if they will help out around the house, how good a cook they may be, what phobias they may have, if they are abusive, if they are a slob or if they are neat, what there goal/dreams may be, their outlook on life and what they would like to do when they retire someday. Most importantly you learn about their family values, their life, upbringing, and how they feel about you and if you feel you want to build a future with this person.
There was a time we separated for five months. I moved out on my own. I had my ex-husband stalking me and it was causing issues in our relationship. Things had become difficult and the magic was somewhat lost. Mainly, because I was under a lot of stress due to I felt he was also in possible danger. Since my boyfriend has MS, I thought it best under the circumstances, to protect him from my angry ex-husband. However, during those months apart we still sorta saw each other in the company of our other friends. Eventually, my ex-husband got caught. He asked me to move back in again after I explained why I had moved out, following my ex's incarceration.
Back together again he seemed to show me more appreciation. So did his grown kids. As the days passed by in our life, we seem to only grow more and more in our love. Nearly eighteen months, after reuniting, we became engaged. A week later we said our vows on August first of 2007.
Nowadays, people should live together before they get married. In my first marriage I was a young woman who married a man eight years older then her. However, living together for at least a long-enough period of time would have been good experience. It may also have deterred me from getting into an abusive marriage. However, that is not always evident early.
Now let me tell you about my best relationship, in which living together for several years, we learned a lot about one another. Yes, we did get married recently too.
We met in December 2003 and began dating. Within weeks the compatibility seemed to be quite evident. However, both of us had both been twice married and twice divorced. Even though we are an older couple it was sure we wanted to not rush into marriage once again. We most definitely wanted to be sure that if we ever again it would be our last time. Therefore, May 2004, giving up my rent-controlled apartment, I moved and into his home. The relocation took me about an hour and a half from where I had been living. Also, farther away from where my disabled mother was residing at the time. However, my mother had previously made the decision that she would be going to California in July. Therefore, she urged me to make this move so she could be content knowing I would be happy before she left.
It is not always easy when one person moves into another person's home. It more then likely would have been easier had we had gotten a place we chose together. However, he's owned this home for over twenty-five years so that was not an option. I felt a bit awkward and tried my best not to step on his toes. Russ on the other hand, at first, went out of his way to make me feel like a guest. That was even more awkward as it made me feel like we were still on a date basis if I was his house guest. Even though he would say "make yourself at home", "put your things where-ever you want." However, I didn't want to just clutter up his home. I still felt the need to ask permission to do this or put that there for at least a month. Finally the newness of being in his home wore off.
Relationship wise, he at first tried to always sit beside me each evening. Still as if we were on a date. Finally, I told him "treat me like a room-mate type girlfriend and we shall get a better perspective on things". That's when things did fall better into place for us. Everyone will have to find their own way to handle the initial perspective of how to begin to join your lives together in the least awkward of ways.
Communication is one of the biggest problems for most couples. It can either go one of two ways; lack of communication or mis-communication that causes the major problems in relationships. I believe our biggest communication issues revolve around selective hearing/tuning one another out. This happens either because we are either just too tired or we simply don't hear the other one clearly enough. The latter problem is a common problem in middle-aged couples like us who do have slight hearing impairments. I for one am partially deaf in my left ear due to a disability so if we are in a vehicle and the radio is on I generally can't hear him. This is a major frustration issue for him. But, I have been told, due to my disability, it is not possible for me to wear a hearing aid.
Our other major ups and downs during these years of living together have been many. We have had to learn to adjust to sharing the blankets and bed with someone else. Many times one of our schedules conflict and one of us needs to leave for work while the other is sleeping. This can be a disturbance. It is much easier for me to roll over and fall back to sleep then for him. However, if I need to go to sleep much earlier to go to work early, it is hard for me to sleep with light seeping in under the door. There have been many times either of us has had broken sleep.
The pluses though have been that you can learn a lot about the person you care and love. You learn if they have the same taste in food, televison, if they hog the remote, are a channel hopper, how loud they like the volume on the television/radio. You also learn if they whine/complain a lot, if they will help out around the house, how good a cook they may be, what phobias they may have, if they are abusive, if they are a slob or if they are neat, what there goal/dreams may be, their outlook on life and what they would like to do when they retire someday. Most importantly you learn about their family values, their life, upbringing, and how they feel about you and if you feel you want to build a future with this person.
There was a time we separated for five months. I moved out on my own. I had my ex-husband stalking me and it was causing issues in our relationship. Things had become difficult and the magic was somewhat lost. Mainly, because I was under a lot of stress due to I felt he was also in possible danger. Since my boyfriend has MS, I thought it best under the circumstances, to protect him from my angry ex-husband. However, during those months apart we still sorta saw each other in the company of our other friends. Eventually, my ex-husband got caught. He asked me to move back in again after I explained why I had moved out, following my ex's incarceration.
Back together again he seemed to show me more appreciation. So did his grown kids. As the days passed by in our life, we seem to only grow more and more in our love. Nearly eighteen months, after reuniting, we became engaged. A week later we said our vows on August first of 2007.
Saturday, February 23, 2008
Saying Goodbye:
FOOTPRINTS UPON MY SOUL
You are sorely missed,
All I do now is reminisce,
There is no one, as unique as you,
About the things you'd say and do,
For my remaining days eternal,
You left your footprints upon my soul.
The memories that we shared,
The ways you showed you cared,
How you'd dry my tears,
And quiet all my fears,
For my remaining days eternal,
You left your footprints upon my soul.
Many times I'd wonder,
Even now, I ponder,
How you managed all there was,
And still made time for us,
For my remaining days eternal,
You left your footprints upon my soul.
Within your heart was a song,
Each day you'd carry along,
To cheer me when things went wrong,
To remind me where I belonged,
For my remaining days eternal,
You left your footprints upon my soul.
I remember your smiling face,
As each new day we'd embrace,
What life had brought together,
Shall be bound in the hereafter,
For my remaining days eternal,
You left your footprints upon my soul.
You are sorely missed,
All I do now is reminisce,
There is no one, as unique as you,
About the things you'd say and do,
For my remaining days eternal,
You left your footprints upon my soul.
The memories that we shared,
The ways you showed you cared,
How you'd dry my tears,
And quiet all my fears,
For my remaining days eternal,
You left your footprints upon my soul.
Many times I'd wonder,
Even now, I ponder,
How you managed all there was,
And still made time for us,
For my remaining days eternal,
You left your footprints upon my soul.
Within your heart was a song,
Each day you'd carry along,
To cheer me when things went wrong,
To remind me where I belonged,
For my remaining days eternal,
You left your footprints upon my soul.
I remember your smiling face,
As each new day we'd embrace,
What life had brought together,
Shall be bound in the hereafter,
For my remaining days eternal,
You left your footprints upon my soul.
Low Carb Diet Tips:
The Success I Have Had Of The Low Carb Diet Plan
First, one must not think of it as a diet, but as a new way of eating. That is the first rule for low carb eating to be most effective. I began low carb eating on the Atkins and I am proud to say I have gone from a weight of 360 pounds to 180 pounds. I originally went down to 148 pounds but lost my mother and re-gained 30 pounds back when I went off for six months. Recently, I have just begun back on low carb eating. I lost the original amount of weight over a period of 25 months, therefore it is possible to do. One must remember to combine walking or dancing or even a bit of weight lifting or even cardio exercise of some sort as you loose the weight. However, you don't want to do it in the initial phase or you will not loose it as quickly and you will only make muscle and muscle does weigh more than fat. You want to at least walk or dance though in the initial phase and later when you are two-thirds of the way to your initial weight loss goal add the weight or toning exercise routine of your choice to firm up the loose skin you will begin to notice.
In your first two-week phase of a Low Carb diet like Atkins, it is the hardest phase, as most people find they fail here, you must stay away from all Diet sodas, coffees, you must eliminate caffeine and saccharin and sugars from your diet totally. It sounds tough but truly it can be done. You have to remember you want a healthy body. You need to remember the importance of drinking lots of water. As water is the key to most any diet and exercises routing. Water carries away all the fat and toxins in your body out by flushing them away before they have any chance to continue to build up and make you unhealthy.
Protein is good for you, you can get it in a variety of ways; cheese, meats, nuts (go light on the nuts in the beginning), popcorn too (only half a cup). You will need to eat a salad every night at dinner with an oil and vinegar dressing. Your salad can consist of greens, chopped hard boiled egg, veggies, beets, a bacon bits, cheese, but leave off the croutons. I have found many alternative ways to enjoy deserts like sugar-free jello and add fresh whipped cream (not readi-whip or any of those birds eyes ones already done) you must use whipping cream and make your own as it hardly has any carbs. You can also make a dessert with the whip cream and sugar-free kool-aid (you'll find numerous recipes in the Atkins cookbooks or other low carb cookbooks that are very good and satisfying). Eggs and bacon for breakfast again or Omelette's-Yummy. It's a great way to start the day. Broiled fish or even a seared pork chop or broiled steak with a salad or freshly steamed veggies for lunch or dinner (if for dinner and you're having those veggies -don't forget to have a small salad too).
In today's market you can find many alternative breads too that offer low carbs so you can now have a sandwich (when you have reached your certain number of carbs per day in which you know you are allowed without gaining). Also, many restaurants are now offering steamed veggies in place of a potato for low-carb eaters on their menu. Some like IHOP even have a separate low carb menu. So ask your restaurant if they offer a low-carb menu if there are no low carb dishes listed on the regular menu. If you eat as if low carb eating is not a diet but just a new way to eat then you will find it to be just as successful to you as it has been to me. Good luck in your choice of low carb eating and good health to you.
For more information on Low Carb Dieting:
www.lowcarb
www.lowcarbfriends
First, one must not think of it as a diet, but as a new way of eating. That is the first rule for low carb eating to be most effective. I began low carb eating on the Atkins and I am proud to say I have gone from a weight of 360 pounds to 180 pounds. I originally went down to 148 pounds but lost my mother and re-gained 30 pounds back when I went off for six months. Recently, I have just begun back on low carb eating. I lost the original amount of weight over a period of 25 months, therefore it is possible to do. One must remember to combine walking or dancing or even a bit of weight lifting or even cardio exercise of some sort as you loose the weight. However, you don't want to do it in the initial phase or you will not loose it as quickly and you will only make muscle and muscle does weigh more than fat. You want to at least walk or dance though in the initial phase and later when you are two-thirds of the way to your initial weight loss goal add the weight or toning exercise routine of your choice to firm up the loose skin you will begin to notice.
In your first two-week phase of a Low Carb diet like Atkins, it is the hardest phase, as most people find they fail here, you must stay away from all Diet sodas, coffees, you must eliminate caffeine and saccharin and sugars from your diet totally. It sounds tough but truly it can be done. You have to remember you want a healthy body. You need to remember the importance of drinking lots of water. As water is the key to most any diet and exercises routing. Water carries away all the fat and toxins in your body out by flushing them away before they have any chance to continue to build up and make you unhealthy.
Protein is good for you, you can get it in a variety of ways; cheese, meats, nuts (go light on the nuts in the beginning), popcorn too (only half a cup). You will need to eat a salad every night at dinner with an oil and vinegar dressing. Your salad can consist of greens, chopped hard boiled egg, veggies, beets, a bacon bits, cheese, but leave off the croutons. I have found many alternative ways to enjoy deserts like sugar-free jello and add fresh whipped cream (not readi-whip or any of those birds eyes ones already done) you must use whipping cream and make your own as it hardly has any carbs. You can also make a dessert with the whip cream and sugar-free kool-aid (you'll find numerous recipes in the Atkins cookbooks or other low carb cookbooks that are very good and satisfying). Eggs and bacon for breakfast again or Omelette's-Yummy. It's a great way to start the day. Broiled fish or even a seared pork chop or broiled steak with a salad or freshly steamed veggies for lunch or dinner (if for dinner and you're having those veggies -don't forget to have a small salad too).
In today's market you can find many alternative breads too that offer low carbs so you can now have a sandwich (when you have reached your certain number of carbs per day in which you know you are allowed without gaining). Also, many restaurants are now offering steamed veggies in place of a potato for low-carb eaters on their menu. Some like IHOP even have a separate low carb menu. So ask your restaurant if they offer a low-carb menu if there are no low carb dishes listed on the regular menu. If you eat as if low carb eating is not a diet but just a new way to eat then you will find it to be just as successful to you as it has been to me. Good luck in your choice of low carb eating and good health to you.
For more information on Low Carb Dieting:
www.lowcarb
www.lowcarbfriends
Friday, February 22, 2008
Life Support And Patient Rights:
Should The Family Disregard the Patients rights; Not If There's A Living Will
In my living will I have it designated that after six weeks on life support, if no improvement or if I am brain damaged beyond quality of life, like a vegetable, or will be unable to live without being on the machines then "harvest my organs and discontinue life support." My children and husband and family members know of and have copies of my living will. I expect them to follow my wishes. My mother did not want to be put on life support so in her living will she did not have a total DNR but did have it to where she would just have fluids to sustain and make her comfortable. Dehydration is a horrible way to die, so withholding even that is in-human for oneself.
Family should always show their respect for their loved one's by acknowledging and doing whatever it is they wish. However it is up to that loved one to have a living will in order to be sure that the family is sure of their wishes and nobody is just guessing or arguing or saying "but she/he told me this or that." Put it in writing and be sure the appropriate people get a copy so there are no reason to not follow through with your wishes. Life support is a very touchy topic and it can be overturned in court if you don't have a proper Living Will. Do your part now while you are in the proper frame of mind and there can be no reason for your family not to follow your wishes.
findarticles.com
www.wisegeek
In my living will I have it designated that after six weeks on life support, if no improvement or if I am brain damaged beyond quality of life, like a vegetable, or will be unable to live without being on the machines then "harvest my organs and discontinue life support." My children and husband and family members know of and have copies of my living will. I expect them to follow my wishes. My mother did not want to be put on life support so in her living will she did not have a total DNR but did have it to where she would just have fluids to sustain and make her comfortable. Dehydration is a horrible way to die, so withholding even that is in-human for oneself.
Family should always show their respect for their loved one's by acknowledging and doing whatever it is they wish. However it is up to that loved one to have a living will in order to be sure that the family is sure of their wishes and nobody is just guessing or arguing or saying "but she/he told me this or that." Put it in writing and be sure the appropriate people get a copy so there are no reason to not follow through with your wishes. Life support is a very touchy topic and it can be overturned in court if you don't have a proper Living Will. Do your part now while you are in the proper frame of mind and there can be no reason for your family not to follow your wishes.
findarticles.com
www.wisegeek
Careers In Healthcare Field:
MY CAREERS IN THE HEALTHCARE FIELD
I've spent over thirty years in the healthcare field. My very first taste of wanting to help others came when my Grandmother had her first stroke when I was only fifteen years old. The Physical Therapist came to the house and showed my Grandfather and me how to perform the exercises she needed to do. Wow, I could help my loved one recover! I was excited and this propelled me daily in assisting in her progress. Even with my Grandfather badgering me that I was being overly exuberant, that I didn't need to push her too hard, I continued daily as the Therapist had instructed. In the end my persistence paid off. What was really exciting was when my Grandmother walked into her regular Physician's office, whom said she'd never walk again, with only the assistance of a cane. To know I helped her recover propelled me to help others.
At age seventeen, I was married therefore I soon had a family to care and love. That fulfilled my need to care for others at that time in my life. However, by the time I was twenty two I became a Home Health Aide. I enjoyed the ability to go and help other people, in there homes. I assisted them with the laundry and other household chores that they were unable to do either due to age or disability or illness. I also went with them on walks or drove them to doctor appointments. I also assisted them with dressing and some other personal care needs. I felt happy to do what I could for many years in this capacity. I was very well liked by many of the patients and the patients families. Many people would request me from the company that I worked for therefore I never lacked for people to help.
In 1987, when my kids were pre-teens, I decided to go to Medical Assisting School to further my Education, earn more money, and help in people in different ways. I got a grant to attend. I was twenty-seven then and ready for a change. I graduated third in my class, Mom was very proud of me. I got a job within three months of graduation for a brand-new urgent care clinic that was opening. It was exciting to begin at the beginning of something new. We were open seven days a week, I worked six days of those to start with until they hired an additional Medical Assistant. Our patients ranged from babies to the elderly. We saw many different problems from just a cold to migraines to even accidental injuries. We had a small emergency surgical room in our clinic to treat accidental injuries that required sutures and such. We also had an x-ray machine, narcotics on hand (in a locked cabinet), EKG machine. One emergency I remember most happened on Memorial day weekend, Saturday. Two men entered the doors approaching the receptionist, one holding a bloody towel to his forehead, I had just exited a room where I'd given an injection to a child. I immediately took the man with the bloody towel aside and lifted the towel and saw there was a large staple embedded in his forehead. As the receptionist gathered information from the other man, who was his brother, I took the first man to our emergency room. I cleansed the site with sterile water and put a clean compress on it and got the doctor. After examining him, we called in our radiologist to get an x-ray. I assisted the doctor in the removal of the staple, which had not broken through the skull into the brain. This was just one of many jobs I've held over the years as a Medical Assistant. I believe I enjoyed most the job I had with a Podiatrist I worked with in Salt Lake City, Utah. It was because we did routine massages, nail clips and performed at least three surgeries a week. I enjoyed assisting in surgeries the most as a Medical Assistant. Also, as a Medical Assistant I did the ordering of supplies, bandaging, applying and removing casts. I also, drew blood (know as Phlebotomy), charted, called in prescriptions, took the patients back, took vitals, EKG's, spirometry, gave injections, assisted with the telephones, made appointments, and billing. The Medical field is composed of a variety of jobs. Medical Assisting prepared me for a variety of other jobs in which I did later on.I've also had jobs as a Phlebotomist or EKG Technician when I'd wanted a change of pace for awhile. Also, as a writer I have knowledge in a various areas of the Medical and Health Care fields in which I can apply that knowledge to my writing.
I had a position in a Home Health Agency as Vice President, Assistant Manager and Public Relations Representative for three years. I enjoyed this job as I really started at the bottom as an aide and was made Assistant Manager with five months when the Owner realized my expertise and potential for the company. Once I became the Assistant Manager I helped the company to grow. Within a year we were too big for a home office and bought a condo on the Lawrence Welk Golf Course. We still grew. I loved helping see my efforts go toward helping this company and the people we took care of make it. One such case is a lady who was sent home to die. I went out to meet her and the neighbor. I set up a schedule for a caregiver to be there 24 hours per day, as she had no family. This woman had outlived three husbands, but actually was only 78 and still wasn't ready to give up on life. I went out every day and spent an hour to check on her myself and assess everything and to let the caregiver have a break. On the fourth day I contacted a Physical Therapist to come out, as she had been getting weak in her legs. Physical Therapy began, within ten days the caregiver was able to get her into the shower by walking her. This made the woman more determined to live. Within eight months our caregivers were only there 12 hours per day, then only 6 hrs then only 4 hours per day by the end of eighteen months. Yes, she was still alive, it was then I had married a second husband and was moving to Utah and went to say goodbye. As I walked outside the screen door I over-heard the best compliment paid to me ever as she told the caregiver there "If it wasn't for Pamel, I wouldn't be alive today. She made sure I got the very best of care when the hospital gave up on me." It's the appreciation that you get or feel when you do a job well. Especially when you are taking care of a person, you know that is makes a difference in someones life. Whether it's in the life of that person or that of the family member(s) that are left behind after that person passes on.
Sometimes it's the dignity we give someone who is dying that makes the difference. It does take special people to do Health Care.
You must remember the second word there "Care". That's what it is all about. Your patience and smile can go a long way even with someone who is being difficult and obnoxious. Later, they will really appreciate you or what you did even if they didn't seem to at the time. They are hurting and in pain or really sick and frustrated. It could be that the doctor is taking too long or the wait is too long or nobody is paying them attention so they act
out of frustration. They believe that since they are paying (their insurance) or that they are in such terrible pain they should get something now. It's human nature. A kind word, a smile, a simple gesture goes a long way, whether or not it seems to be appreciated at the time.
I've spent over thirty years in the healthcare field. My very first taste of wanting to help others came when my Grandmother had her first stroke when I was only fifteen years old. The Physical Therapist came to the house and showed my Grandfather and me how to perform the exercises she needed to do. Wow, I could help my loved one recover! I was excited and this propelled me daily in assisting in her progress. Even with my Grandfather badgering me that I was being overly exuberant, that I didn't need to push her too hard, I continued daily as the Therapist had instructed. In the end my persistence paid off. What was really exciting was when my Grandmother walked into her regular Physician's office, whom said she'd never walk again, with only the assistance of a cane. To know I helped her recover propelled me to help others.
At age seventeen, I was married therefore I soon had a family to care and love. That fulfilled my need to care for others at that time in my life. However, by the time I was twenty two I became a Home Health Aide. I enjoyed the ability to go and help other people, in there homes. I assisted them with the laundry and other household chores that they were unable to do either due to age or disability or illness. I also went with them on walks or drove them to doctor appointments. I also assisted them with dressing and some other personal care needs. I felt happy to do what I could for many years in this capacity. I was very well liked by many of the patients and the patients families. Many people would request me from the company that I worked for therefore I never lacked for people to help.
In 1987, when my kids were pre-teens, I decided to go to Medical Assisting School to further my Education, earn more money, and help in people in different ways. I got a grant to attend. I was twenty-seven then and ready for a change. I graduated third in my class, Mom was very proud of me. I got a job within three months of graduation for a brand-new urgent care clinic that was opening. It was exciting to begin at the beginning of something new. We were open seven days a week, I worked six days of those to start with until they hired an additional Medical Assistant. Our patients ranged from babies to the elderly. We saw many different problems from just a cold to migraines to even accidental injuries. We had a small emergency surgical room in our clinic to treat accidental injuries that required sutures and such. We also had an x-ray machine, narcotics on hand (in a locked cabinet), EKG machine. One emergency I remember most happened on Memorial day weekend, Saturday. Two men entered the doors approaching the receptionist, one holding a bloody towel to his forehead, I had just exited a room where I'd given an injection to a child. I immediately took the man with the bloody towel aside and lifted the towel and saw there was a large staple embedded in his forehead. As the receptionist gathered information from the other man, who was his brother, I took the first man to our emergency room. I cleansed the site with sterile water and put a clean compress on it and got the doctor. After examining him, we called in our radiologist to get an x-ray. I assisted the doctor in the removal of the staple, which had not broken through the skull into the brain. This was just one of many jobs I've held over the years as a Medical Assistant. I believe I enjoyed most the job I had with a Podiatrist I worked with in Salt Lake City, Utah. It was because we did routine massages, nail clips and performed at least three surgeries a week. I enjoyed assisting in surgeries the most as a Medical Assistant. Also, as a Medical Assistant I did the ordering of supplies, bandaging, applying and removing casts. I also, drew blood (know as Phlebotomy), charted, called in prescriptions, took the patients back, took vitals, EKG's, spirometry, gave injections, assisted with the telephones, made appointments, and billing. The Medical field is composed of a variety of jobs. Medical Assisting prepared me for a variety of other jobs in which I did later on.I've also had jobs as a Phlebotomist or EKG Technician when I'd wanted a change of pace for awhile. Also, as a writer I have knowledge in a various areas of the Medical and Health Care fields in which I can apply that knowledge to my writing.
I had a position in a Home Health Agency as Vice President, Assistant Manager and Public Relations Representative for three years. I enjoyed this job as I really started at the bottom as an aide and was made Assistant Manager with five months when the Owner realized my expertise and potential for the company. Once I became the Assistant Manager I helped the company to grow. Within a year we were too big for a home office and bought a condo on the Lawrence Welk Golf Course. We still grew. I loved helping see my efforts go toward helping this company and the people we took care of make it. One such case is a lady who was sent home to die. I went out to meet her and the neighbor. I set up a schedule for a caregiver to be there 24 hours per day, as she had no family. This woman had outlived three husbands, but actually was only 78 and still wasn't ready to give up on life. I went out every day and spent an hour to check on her myself and assess everything and to let the caregiver have a break. On the fourth day I contacted a Physical Therapist to come out, as she had been getting weak in her legs. Physical Therapy began, within ten days the caregiver was able to get her into the shower by walking her. This made the woman more determined to live. Within eight months our caregivers were only there 12 hours per day, then only 6 hrs then only 4 hours per day by the end of eighteen months. Yes, she was still alive, it was then I had married a second husband and was moving to Utah and went to say goodbye. As I walked outside the screen door I over-heard the best compliment paid to me ever as she told the caregiver there "If it wasn't for Pamel, I wouldn't be alive today. She made sure I got the very best of care when the hospital gave up on me." It's the appreciation that you get or feel when you do a job well. Especially when you are taking care of a person, you know that is makes a difference in someones life. Whether it's in the life of that person or that of the family member(s) that are left behind after that person passes on.
Sometimes it's the dignity we give someone who is dying that makes the difference. It does take special people to do Health Care.
You must remember the second word there "Care". That's what it is all about. Your patience and smile can go a long way even with someone who is being difficult and obnoxious. Later, they will really appreciate you or what you did even if they didn't seem to at the time. They are hurting and in pain or really sick and frustrated. It could be that the doctor is taking too long or the wait is too long or nobody is paying them attention so they act
out of frustration. They believe that since they are paying (their insurance) or that they are in such terrible pain they should get something now. It's human nature. A kind word, a smile, a simple gesture goes a long way, whether or not it seems to be appreciated at the time.
Thursday, February 21, 2008
Dating With A Disability
BE UPFRONT ABOUT YOUR ABILITIES AND DISABILITY
My disability is an invisible one. Therefore on the first date I never actually mentioned it until closer to the end of the date when I felt more comfortable and wanted to see where if we were going to go on a second date. I felt that after the man had spent a few hours with me and got to know me he would be able to judge me better than just prejudge me with misconceptions. I explained what my abilities were and how sometimes I had limitations which created my disability.
This worked most effectively for me, especially with the man that I ended up marrying. He too has a disability and was able to feel comfortable enough to discuss his openly also. All because I opened the door to conversation. He has MS however it, at the time, was not very apparent, a slight limp or a slur of words. Which could to me be a strained muscle or an alcoholic drink.
We began a great dating relationship. It grew solid due the honesty I showed him by sharing with him the fact that I was disabled and vice versa. This created a very strong foundation on which our relationship continued to grow with good values like trust, honesty and integrity. We forged a strong bond in the fact that we knew we could rely on one another in our relationship due to this strong foundation. We helped one another with each other's disability whenever needed, and still do even today.
For three wonderful years, we dated, managing to build a wonderful relationship around each others disability or special needs. There were times that one of us had a flare up, such as a dizzy spell, and we would need to alter our plans. However, the other was always very understanding. At those times we would do something else together, sometimes as simple as watching t.v., ordering delivery and sitting around talking. The times that we were both doing well we would spend golfing, playing pool, taking pictures, visiting grandchildren, going to movies, going out to dinner and traveling. Just like normal everyday couples spend time together.
Most importantly we knew what ups and downs life came with and we enjoyed each day as it dawned. Whatever came with it, we rolled along. We realized laughter, friendship and love were three of the most important values one needed to carry with them in each new day. Especially for those of us who are faced with disabilities, we can't let things keep us down. We need to pick each other up and keep going on with life. We became best friends in the intern, over three years later we married.
My disability is an invisible one. Therefore on the first date I never actually mentioned it until closer to the end of the date when I felt more comfortable and wanted to see where if we were going to go on a second date. I felt that after the man had spent a few hours with me and got to know me he would be able to judge me better than just prejudge me with misconceptions. I explained what my abilities were and how sometimes I had limitations which created my disability.
This worked most effectively for me, especially with the man that I ended up marrying. He too has a disability and was able to feel comfortable enough to discuss his openly also. All because I opened the door to conversation. He has MS however it, at the time, was not very apparent, a slight limp or a slur of words. Which could to me be a strained muscle or an alcoholic drink.
We began a great dating relationship. It grew solid due the honesty I showed him by sharing with him the fact that I was disabled and vice versa. This created a very strong foundation on which our relationship continued to grow with good values like trust, honesty and integrity. We forged a strong bond in the fact that we knew we could rely on one another in our relationship due to this strong foundation. We helped one another with each other's disability whenever needed, and still do even today.
For three wonderful years, we dated, managing to build a wonderful relationship around each others disability or special needs. There were times that one of us had a flare up, such as a dizzy spell, and we would need to alter our plans. However, the other was always very understanding. At those times we would do something else together, sometimes as simple as watching t.v., ordering delivery and sitting around talking. The times that we were both doing well we would spend golfing, playing pool, taking pictures, visiting grandchildren, going to movies, going out to dinner and traveling. Just like normal everyday couples spend time together.
Most importantly we knew what ups and downs life came with and we enjoyed each day as it dawned. Whatever came with it, we rolled along. We realized laughter, friendship and love were three of the most important values one needed to carry with them in each new day. Especially for those of us who are faced with disabilities, we can't let things keep us down. We need to pick each other up and keep going on with life. We became best friends in the intern, over three years later we married.
Is Chivalry Dead?
Dating today is a mixture of Women's Lib and Chivalry:
When you do date a man you need to let him know whether or not it is okay to open your door or not. Men nowadays or at a loss as to whether or not to do so since many women in society are for women's lib. Some women prefer to go dutch treat on the first few dates then allow a man to pay for the meal. If this is the situation you will need to keep your date informed of this and also inform him when it is okay to pay for the full meal, in advance of the date of course so he is prepared financially. Therefore, it is not fully the man's fault that women are questioning whether or not chivalry is dead. The question is fully a valid one. But still my answer remains no.
When I began dating, my now current husband, a little over three years ago he was definitely your class A man on chivalry. You didn't have to ask him to open your door. Actually, he got a bit rattled when I opened the car door myself without waiting on him to do so for me. He told me "let me do that please from now on" as politely as possible. He is definitely a man who was raised to be a gentleman and the provider of the household. He could not believe that when I was married previously that I had been the biggest bread winner and that I paid the largest majority of the household expenses while my husband squandered his check on his hobbies and pleasures.
Actually chivalry is alive today if it is taught to our sons as the grow up and are molded into young men. Also, our young women need to learn though to accept it and allow those young men to be themselves and be chivalrous and not be shunned or made fun of for doing so. It needs to be accepted as a good trait and just because women have found the freedom to express and be themselves, we also need to accept and allow the man to still be himself. Concessions can be made. In my instance I finally convince my boyfriend that it was okay if I bought a meal out once in a while. I even convinced him after moving in with him that it was okay for me to pay a few of the household expenses such as cable, light or Internet now and then. I never paid all of them each month because it would make him feel odd and obliged. I understood and respected the way he was brought up. So I never forced things much. Now we are married and I help out even more. If I bring up let's grab a bite then I pull out the money for it he doesn't complain. If I grab a few of the bills to pay on payday and pay them and leave the receipts on the table there's no problem. However, he still opens my door, holds my hand, kisses my hand and strokes my cheek and is sure to give me a kiss before he leaves out the door for work or anywhere without me. He is sure to stand up and protect my name if anyone tries anything with me and he does stop and see if a woman could use assistance when she looks like it.
No, chivalry is not dead. Women's lib is alive too. We just need to know how to occasionally make concessions our partners in life. That way we can each be comfortable with our own unique selves and live together harmoniously.
When you do date a man you need to let him know whether or not it is okay to open your door or not. Men nowadays or at a loss as to whether or not to do so since many women in society are for women's lib. Some women prefer to go dutch treat on the first few dates then allow a man to pay for the meal. If this is the situation you will need to keep your date informed of this and also inform him when it is okay to pay for the full meal, in advance of the date of course so he is prepared financially. Therefore, it is not fully the man's fault that women are questioning whether or not chivalry is dead. The question is fully a valid one. But still my answer remains no.
When I began dating, my now current husband, a little over three years ago he was definitely your class A man on chivalry. You didn't have to ask him to open your door. Actually, he got a bit rattled when I opened the car door myself without waiting on him to do so for me. He told me "let me do that please from now on" as politely as possible. He is definitely a man who was raised to be a gentleman and the provider of the household. He could not believe that when I was married previously that I had been the biggest bread winner and that I paid the largest majority of the household expenses while my husband squandered his check on his hobbies and pleasures.
Actually chivalry is alive today if it is taught to our sons as the grow up and are molded into young men. Also, our young women need to learn though to accept it and allow those young men to be themselves and be chivalrous and not be shunned or made fun of for doing so. It needs to be accepted as a good trait and just because women have found the freedom to express and be themselves, we also need to accept and allow the man to still be himself. Concessions can be made. In my instance I finally convince my boyfriend that it was okay if I bought a meal out once in a while. I even convinced him after moving in with him that it was okay for me to pay a few of the household expenses such as cable, light or Internet now and then. I never paid all of them each month because it would make him feel odd and obliged. I understood and respected the way he was brought up. So I never forced things much. Now we are married and I help out even more. If I bring up let's grab a bite then I pull out the money for it he doesn't complain. If I grab a few of the bills to pay on payday and pay them and leave the receipts on the table there's no problem. However, he still opens my door, holds my hand, kisses my hand and strokes my cheek and is sure to give me a kiss before he leaves out the door for work or anywhere without me. He is sure to stand up and protect my name if anyone tries anything with me and he does stop and see if a woman could use assistance when she looks like it.
No, chivalry is not dead. Women's lib is alive too. We just need to know how to occasionally make concessions our partners in life. That way we can each be comfortable with our own unique selves and live together harmoniously.
Why I Write:
Life's Journey of Writing
I began writing at the age of nine years old. Fascinated by authors who caught my very attention with their words that transported me to other worlds and realms of fantasy and dreams. My ways to escape the hum-drums of life. I fantasize that someday my words that I write upon pages may also transport someone else to the same depths of desire to escape their hum-drums of existence. Realizing these escapes are only momentarily is enough to allow any writer to continue to want to write for the public for entertainment. However, I don't just write for the public I also write for myself, to leave my impression upon this earth that I was in existence here. It's our own way to express our own emotions that need a release too.
Writing to me is my way to explore my dreams and fantasies. It's my way to escape the humdrum and harsh reality that life sometimes throws our way. Life has it's ups and it's downs, it's reasons to smile and frown. We often have harsh realities to face like the sudden death of loved ones or heartbreak. Therefore, writing is the way I can pour out my feelings from deep within my soul. All the pain I suffer along with the heartbreak of love I write into a poem, letter, memoir, journal, article, a short story or song. In this way I can help either ease these pains or honor the person whom has passed on who I will miss with such a heavy heart. The pain of a broken heart can be eased in a similar way also by putting that pain into poetry or a song which sometimes can make it an exceptional piece. Maybe, the relationship didn't work out however something still can come out of it, after all, I find out by writing it out.
Life needs to be written down. We are all on our journey in life and we should write about each of our individual journey's including our ups and downs. Our pains, our joys and our experiences are richly deserving to be written about. Such as the joy of marriage, love, the birth of a child, the very moment you knew how you felt about that special person. Yes, life needs to be written about, it's the grandest of all stories that needs to be told. So I write all I can about nature, life as it happens, all the joys and the pains. My dreams and my fantasies. When my children were younger I enjoyed creating bedtime stories for them, these gave them fantasies in which to build their dreams upon. They were also good material for the foundation of many writings for children.
Writing is an escape from a bad or boring moment and puts one into another realm of existence which can be tantalizingly exciting if you write it to be. As a freelance writer I enjoy being able to express myself through writing. I write about my journey and all the exciting places I have been and what I have done. I shall continue through my journey of life, and I will continue to write about it all as I do. After all, even on our headstones there is always something, in the end there, that is always written. What is it you want to leave behind to be remembered by? What do you want written on your headstone? I want "here lie a writer of life."
For an additional way to write click here
I began writing at the age of nine years old. Fascinated by authors who caught my very attention with their words that transported me to other worlds and realms of fantasy and dreams. My ways to escape the hum-drums of life. I fantasize that someday my words that I write upon pages may also transport someone else to the same depths of desire to escape their hum-drums of existence. Realizing these escapes are only momentarily is enough to allow any writer to continue to want to write for the public for entertainment. However, I don't just write for the public I also write for myself, to leave my impression upon this earth that I was in existence here. It's our own way to express our own emotions that need a release too.
Writing to me is my way to explore my dreams and fantasies. It's my way to escape the humdrum and harsh reality that life sometimes throws our way. Life has it's ups and it's downs, it's reasons to smile and frown. We often have harsh realities to face like the sudden death of loved ones or heartbreak. Therefore, writing is the way I can pour out my feelings from deep within my soul. All the pain I suffer along with the heartbreak of love I write into a poem, letter, memoir, journal, article, a short story or song. In this way I can help either ease these pains or honor the person whom has passed on who I will miss with such a heavy heart. The pain of a broken heart can be eased in a similar way also by putting that pain into poetry or a song which sometimes can make it an exceptional piece. Maybe, the relationship didn't work out however something still can come out of it, after all, I find out by writing it out.
Life needs to be written down. We are all on our journey in life and we should write about each of our individual journey's including our ups and downs. Our pains, our joys and our experiences are richly deserving to be written about. Such as the joy of marriage, love, the birth of a child, the very moment you knew how you felt about that special person. Yes, life needs to be written about, it's the grandest of all stories that needs to be told. So I write all I can about nature, life as it happens, all the joys and the pains. My dreams and my fantasies. When my children were younger I enjoyed creating bedtime stories for them, these gave them fantasies in which to build their dreams upon. They were also good material for the foundation of many writings for children.
Writing is an escape from a bad or boring moment and puts one into another realm of existence which can be tantalizingly exciting if you write it to be. As a freelance writer I enjoy being able to express myself through writing. I write about my journey and all the exciting places I have been and what I have done. I shall continue through my journey of life, and I will continue to write about it all as I do. After all, even on our headstones there is always something, in the end there, that is always written. What is it you want to leave behind to be remembered by? What do you want written on your headstone? I want "here lie a writer of life."
For an additional way to write click here
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