Life some days can catch you with your pants down. This past summer I learned I had a small heart attack and also R-sided Congested Heart Failure. Wow, after all my other diagnosis' this is the one that really made me feel depressed and cry a lot. I did a lot of research on it and realized I was NOT in stage 1 since that was practically nothing. I was in probably midway thru stage 2 at that time. By now, seven months later, I feel I am beginning stage 3 or even 3 1/2. I know the saying when life throws lemons at you - you make lemonade. Also that God will never let you go thru anything that he doesn't think you can endure with him beside you.
I cry every day though. Is this my last? I made a bucket list of only 3 things when I was diagnosed with the CHF. I was lucky that I didn't have any arteries clogged - so I rejoice for that. But I do have high blood pressure and have to limit my salt, funny thing is since I was 15 and cooked at the Senior Center in CA, I never have salted anything since when I cook since. BP is under control as is the high cholesterol which I never had before coming to Oklahoma. I've endured over 16 years with Meniere's. I have had Chronic Migraines since age 25. Some of you know that about me. Well, back to the bucket list. Listing of only 3 things:
1) to hold my son's first son when he had one - he had one Feb. 17th 2017 so I have gotten to do that - praise God.
2) To see my first born Grand-daughter graduate. She is going to be Valedictorian and already has a scholarship to the school she wants to go to. She is 19 and graduates High School with Honors and gives her Valedictorian speech and already has her scholarship. I have been planning and saving for this coming June 3rd to see that happen. The bus ride is going to be 24 hours and 5 minutes with 4 different stops and changes. This will be hard on my Meniere's I know. I have my pug, Boo, registered as an ESA and can take her with me to keep me calm. Also, my fall on 2/21 getting out of the tub and doing the splits hurt my back in really horrible shape therefore I am in so much pain. But if I don't go my Daughter will be angry at me and disown me like she is the rest of the family). At the moment I am the only one going. So I will need to go and it is something I want to do as it is number 2 on my list.
3) To be recognized for my writings. I have had some writings put into those almanacs but you must pay so you really aren't getting there on your own merit. I have had some poems put in magazines but have only been paid in issues, And I have written for a column for an online magazine which made me feel pretty good but they went under. Recently, I wrote a short story for a contest-the winner gets $350---now that would make my bus ticket to a plane ticket and make my struggles in writing mean something to me. Not sure if I really will ever get number three accomplished before the end.
I feel like all I am doing is pasting a smile on my face no matter what the pain is from, my Fibromyalgia, back, migraines etc. or even dizziness from my Menieres. People ask why can't you just go" you look fine to me" and I just tell them I'm tired or I have a migraine because I live with horrible fatigue too. Those are the only two excuses they understand--they don't believe in Fibromyalgia or some of the other things that are associated with it. I feel trapped in a body with no release, Sleep??? LOL. I do have to try to get a nap during the day. A shower feels like pellets hitting your skin it makes you not want to take one. I try very hard to take at least 2-3 per wk. The frustration of those who are non-believers makes my anxiety pop it's ugly head up and look around and say "you don't know whatcha' talking about". My Uncle can;t walk past me without poking me. He is a non-believer.
I will be posting articles written about others to let you know what we go through. This is just my personal account of what my days are like.
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